Lost in transition

I have been making up alot of things. Not to any one but to my own self. Yea. I'm lying to myself. Been making up excuses to console my insecurities. As I look around, at the people around me, at the going-ons happening each day, I don't know who I am. I don't know who I want to be. I don't know who I pretend to be. I don't know where I want to be. I don't know who I try to be.

I have a hard time in believing myself. In believing others. Each day I question if this is what I want. If this is what I want to be. If I can stand going on like this. If I can continue doing what I'm doing. If I can continue being the person that I am. If everything would be all right.

Where are my friends when I need you? When I really need you...

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The winds of fate

It blows in all directions. You'd be surprise as to where it takes you. You'd be surprise as to where you've been. It blows you to heaven. It blows you to hell. You won't know when it's coming. You won't know when it leaves. You go with the flow naturally. Without you even knowing it. And how would you know right? You can't see the wind. There's no stopping it either, is there?

This just crept up at the spur of the moment. How true it can be.

Fate. Do you believe in it?

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Anger management

Arghhh...!!

Was in a splendid mood this morning. Woke up feeling nice. Probably due to the brief chat with Dia the night before. Or maybe I had my head cleared on the same night as well. Got a clearer picture of things. Just thought that why choose to frown when I have the choice to cheer up. Got this quote of some mail someone sent me, "Forgiveness is giving up the right to hate you for hurting me".

But less than 2 hours later, I was showing my temper, slamming phones and not replying messages. I was hot as fire and I was in the washroom for quite some time just to cool down. Even that didn't work. I left my work place, grabbed a colleague and went to the pantry to let it all out to her. But, I was still pissed off.

It was not of a serious matter. Really. I just don't agree with the way it was being done. Why did I have to make it up for the obviously bad planning? And you think just a 'Sorry. I forgot", can settle everything? Who do you think you are that I'm obligated to listen to you? And what are all these craps that you wanted me to do? Stuffs that are a waste of time.

It took me quite awhile to regain my cool. And I didn't care if she'd approved of it. I was really mad. I don't think I'd wanna hide that in front of her. So I threw it at her face. Coming to think of it, I was rather harsh la. Kesian that she has to put up with me. Who asked you to ruin my mood for the day? Eventually, I did it anyway.

Guess I just didn't have the skill to manage all emotions yet. ;p

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Of being solitary

I hate being alone. I cannot stand the feeling of being invisible. That no one knows who you are or what you're doing or where your're at. I cannot go about my day without a companion by my side. There are certain people I need to see or hear each day in order for me to get going. I'll go nuts if I don't. But even to find that ONE person can be so hard. Not everyone can always be there for you. Not everyone must be there for you.

You know what hurts the most? That is people know that you are there. But they don't 'see' you. They look right past you. You'd feel like nothing. You'd feel like disappearing. What does it matter anymore with or without companions? Does it really make a difference in this case? I feel empty as ever. It kills. Gradually.

I'm no tough girl. Even if that's what I tried to be. I'm tired. I can't make it on my own. There are times of fear. There are times of vulnerability. There are times of need. Some things were unspoken. But that doesn't mean that they are not there.


(The voices of concerns. The shoulders to lean on. The arms to hang on. The gentle touches. The soft gazes. The friendly calls. The assuring hugs...They refuse to show themselves.)

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Snapshots

Hmmm...yea, was kinda bored today. So I came up with these shots from the PD trip. Enjoy!

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Me? Cool?

A close friend told me just moments ago that I'm being too cool. I was like, "What? Come on la. For all the years that you've known me, did I ever acted cool towards you? Or towards anyone else for that matter?" Okay. I can be a little quiet at times. Yea. I can be a little lousy at striking up conversations. Alritez. I know I sucked at communicating. But that doesn't make a snob, rite?

She went on and on telling me to improve this, to improve that, to change this, to change that...etc etc etc. I was listening to you more than you were listening to me the entire night. Okay friend, I get your point, and I think I'll know what to do from now on. You'll see a new me. Perhaps. Lolz.

Apple plus jasmine tea doesn't work for me. Yuck!

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Unfocused

What do you do when you constantly have ALL of your friends on your mind? No matter for good or for bad.. Especially now when most of them are facing some sort of dilemmas and needed a shoulder to lean on. And as the person that you are, you just don't have the heart to leave them alone without some words of comforts and concerns. And some company.

Your mind would be all about them and little did you know that you had poured hot water, not into the cup, but onto the finger next to it. Dumb.

When you see your reddened, swollen and 'crying' finger, you'd think, "Now what have your friends got into you?" But you remained the way you are.

(Dia, I miss you...)

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The surprise

Not just only one. Alot. In just a short period of time. The passing week has been a 'heavy' one. All of sudden, so many things emerged. So many phone calls were made. So many news to be digested. So many feelings to be cared for. Our initially fun and crazy circle is gradually turning into a messy one. Still fun and crazy. But a whole lot messier than I thought. Indiscribable.

Surprises. Surprises. Surprises. Lin jie, u were the biggest surprise last night. I'm glad you stayed.

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Port Dickson break

Well, not exactly a view of the beach. But there's still an element of water in it. So, I guess it still counts la. That's the pool at Tiara Beach Resort. With an artificial waterfall. And it is at this area where I snapped this picture did I spent most of the nite chatting with a pal. Just the 2 of us. Cool huh?

Another nut case outing. It has been a norm with these few people that we do everything at the very last minute. Decided to head to PD only just the nite before, after coming up with numerous other places to spend our holidays. Grabed a few people that can make it. Went online to scout for hotels and rates. But still not confirmed yet coz of the peak season. Got a call after mid night to say that the trip was on. Woke up at 5.30 am the next morning to pack and then left at 7 am to beat the traffic.

Phew! Rush. And what did we do there? Hung around. Ate. Played monopoly. Fooled around. Watched some tv. Swam in the pool. Rebut with kids to play water guns (sigh!). Disturbed one another. Checked out hotties. Slept. Okay..and some drinking.

No beach. No sand castle. No banana boat. No kite flying. No beach activities. No sunsets. No sunrise. Purpose to PD not acheived. I guess we were just there to enjoy the company of one another. Hah!

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