Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Lost in transition

I have been making up alot of things. Not to any one but to my own self. Yea. I'm lying to myself. Been making up excuses to console my insecurities. As I look around, at the people around me, at the going-ons happening each day, I don't know who I am. I don't know who I want to be. I don't know who I pretend to be. I don't know where I want to be. I don't know who I try to be.

I have a hard time in believing myself. In believing others. Each day I question if this is what I want. If this is what I want to be. If I can stand going on like this. If I can continue doing what I'm doing. If I can continue being the person that I am. If everything would be all right.

Where are my friends when I need you? When I really need you...
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Sunday, May 27, 2007

The winds of fate

It blows in all directions. You'd be surprise as to where it takes you. You'd be surprise as to where you've been. It blows you to heaven. It blows you to hell. You won't know when it's coming. You won't know when it leaves. You go with the flow naturally. Without you even knowing it. And how would you know right? You can't see the wind. There's no stopping it either, is there?

This just crept up at the spur of the moment. How true it can be.

Fate. Do you believe in it?
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Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Anger management

Arghhh...!!

Was in a splendid mood this morning. Woke up feeling nice. Probably due to the brief chat with Dia the night before. Or maybe I had my head cleared on the same night as well. Got a clearer picture of things. Just thought that why choose to frown when I have the choice to cheer up. Got this quote of some mail someone sent me, "Forgiveness is giving up the right to hate you for hurting me".

But less than 2 hours later, I was showing my temper, slamming phones and not replying messages. I was hot as fire and I was in the washroom for quite some time just to cool down. Even that didn't work. I left my work place, grabbed a colleague and went to the pantry to let it all out to her. But, I was still pissed off.

It was not of a serious matter. Really. I just don't agree with the way it was being done. Why did I have to make it up for the obviously bad planning? And you think just a 'Sorry. I forgot", can settle everything? Who do you think you are that I'm obligated to listen to you? And what are all these craps that you wanted me to do? Stuffs that are a waste of time.

It took me quite awhile to regain my cool. And I didn't care if she'd approved of it. I was really mad. I don't think I'd wanna hide that in front of her. So I threw it at her face. Coming to think of it, I was rather harsh la. Kesian that she has to put up with me. Who asked you to ruin my mood for the day? Eventually, I did it anyway.

Guess I just didn't have the skill to manage all emotions yet. ;p
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Sunday, May 20, 2007

Of being solitary

I hate being alone. I cannot stand the feeling of being invisible. That no one knows who you are or what you're doing or where your're at. I cannot go about my day without a companion by my side. There are certain people I need to see or hear each day in order for me to get going. I'll go nuts if I don't. But even to find that ONE person can be so hard. Not everyone can always be there for you. Not everyone must be there for you.

You know what hurts the most? That is people know that you are there. But they don't 'see' you. They look right past you. You'd feel like nothing. You'd feel like disappearing. What does it matter anymore with or without companions? Does it really make a difference in this case? I feel empty as ever. It kills. Gradually.

I'm no tough girl. Even if that's what I tried to be. I'm tired. I can't make it on my own. There are times of fear. There are times of vulnerability. There are times of need. Some things were unspoken. But that doesn't mean that they are not there.


(The voices of concerns. The shoulders to lean on. The arms to hang on. The gentle touches. The soft gazes. The friendly calls. The assuring hugs...They refuse to show themselves.)
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Sunday, May 13, 2007

Snapshots

Hmmm...yea, was kinda bored today. So I came up with these shots from the PD trip. Enjoy!

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Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Me? Cool?

A close friend told me just moments ago that I'm being too cool. I was like, "What? Come on la. For all the years that you've known me, did I ever acted cool towards you? Or towards anyone else for that matter?" Okay. I can be a little quiet at times. Yea. I can be a little lousy at striking up conversations. Alritez. I know I sucked at communicating. But that doesn't make a snob, rite?

She went on and on telling me to improve this, to improve that, to change this, to change that...etc etc etc. I was listening to you more than you were listening to me the entire night. Okay friend, I get your point, and I think I'll know what to do from now on. You'll see a new me. Perhaps. Lolz.

Apple plus jasmine tea doesn't work for me. Yuck!
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Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Unfocused

What do you do when you constantly have ALL of your friends on your mind? No matter for good or for bad.. Especially now when most of them are facing some sort of dilemmas and needed a shoulder to lean on. And as the person that you are, you just don't have the heart to leave them alone without some words of comforts and concerns. And some company.

Your mind would be all about them and little did you know that you had poured hot water, not into the cup, but onto the finger next to it. Dumb.

When you see your reddened, swollen and 'crying' finger, you'd think, "Now what have your friends got into you?" But you remained the way you are.

(Dia, I miss you...)
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Sunday, May 6, 2007

The surprise

Not just only one. Alot. In just a short period of time. The passing week has been a 'heavy' one. All of sudden, so many things emerged. So many phone calls were made. So many news to be digested. So many feelings to be cared for. Our initially fun and crazy circle is gradually turning into a messy one. Still fun and crazy. But a whole lot messier than I thought. Indiscribable.

Surprises. Surprises. Surprises. Lin jie, u were the biggest surprise last night. I'm glad you stayed.
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Friday, May 4, 2007

Port Dickson break


Well, not exactly a view of the beach. But there's still an element of water in it. So, I guess it still counts la. That's the pool at Tiara Beach Resort. With an artificial waterfall. And it is at this area where I snapped this picture did I spent most of the nite chatting with a pal. Just the 2 of us. Cool huh?

Another nut case outing. It has been a norm with these few people that we do everything at the very last minute. Decided to head to PD only just the nite before, after coming up with numerous other places to spend our holidays. Grabed a few people that can make it. Went online to scout for hotels and rates. But still not confirmed yet coz of the peak season. Got a call after mid night to say that the trip was on. Woke up at 5.30 am the next morning to pack and then left at 7 am to beat the traffic.

Phew! Rush. And what did we do there? Hung around. Ate. Played monopoly. Fooled around. Watched some tv. Swam in the pool. Rebut with kids to play water guns (sigh!). Disturbed one another. Checked out hotties. Slept. Okay..and some drinking.

No beach. No sand castle. No banana boat. No kite flying. No beach activities. No sunsets. No sunrise. Purpose to PD not acheived. I guess we were just there to enjoy the company of one another. Hah!
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Sunday, April 29, 2007

Another accessory?

"What is that for? I didn't know you were short-sighted. Another add up to your accessories?"

That was dad's first impression the moment I tried on my newly made specs. Come on la dad, would I spend like over 100 bucks for an accessory? an accessory that I initially don't have a need for?

Yeap. There is a need for it now. I have been spending too much time in front of the screen. The computer screen that is. Eight hours at work and another three to four hours at home. Mum got kinda worried that I might actually loose my eye-sight if I continue to hog on to it at the rate I'm going. So, she got me to the optician to get me something for them.

No worries, my vision still stays clear. The lenses have this something to protect the eyes from the harmful rays of the screen. How sure am I of this? I seriously am not sure. I picked a frame that I think suited me and left it to the fella there to do the rest. We shall see if it works.

Unless you have the opportunity to see me at work, then you'll get to see me in them. :p If not then, nah!
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Sunday, April 22, 2007

The difference in peoples

Non-city folks are so much better. Being humble as they are, they potray another face of Malaysians which we so seldom see. Although they do not live in riches like we do, but I believe, in their contented community, they are 'rich' in their own way. And they share this 'richness' in them with every other people. Even for an outsider like me. Why do I say so? Allow me to tell you what happened.

My client's place is situated a little out of town. At a more kampung area I would say. And because it's a rush job, I have to go in alone. Some where during the day, I realised I needed a certain file which I left in my car. So I went back down to get it. Because there was not many spaces to park, I had to put my car at the back of the office building. At the back lane la in short.

As I reached the turning to the back lane, I saw this almost naked Indian man loitering around the parked vehicles at the back lane. He was walking up and down with only some plastics wrapped around his body. No proper clothing. The first thing I thought was, "Oops. Mad man near my car. How on earth am I suppose to get my file?" Worrying that he might come and attack me if I go near, I decided to turn around and come back again later. When he's gone.

As I turned around, I saw this small lorry rolled slowly and the uncle inside it was leaning out at the window. He was waving towards me and said something. Thinking that he was trying to ask me something, I stopped and tried to listen to what he was trying to say. He spoke in mandarin. It turned out to be that he saw me hesitating to walk to the back lane and he told me not to be afraid. He said the mad man lives around the area and he never hurts anyone. He ignores people if people ignored him.

I told him I needed to get something from my car back there and I'm afraid to walk over. He kept telling me not to be afraid. When he knew that he couldn't convince me, he gunned down his lorry and said, "You go on along to your car. I'll watch over you from here." Seeing that he looked like an honest man and I was sort of lazy to come down again later, I trusted him and went on to my car. My heart was beating fast all the way. And I kept my distance from the mad man.True enough, the mad man didn't even glanced at me and the uncle stood watch the whole time. I quickened my pace, got my file and hurried back to the uncle.

I thanked him a zillion times. He just smile and said I don't look familar. I told him I'm just there for a few days to work on something. Don't think he would understand my profession anyway. So, I made it simple. Seeing that I was safe, he started his engine and continued his journey. I can't deny that I was touched by his actions. I didn't expect a stranger would be concerned about someone he hasn't even seen before. He was kind enough to offer himself. Now how often do you see this these days? Where people observe their surroundings and cared for each other?

So what if you own the world? So what if you have everyone at your feet? It's life simple pleasures like this that gets you going.

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Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Sweet scene

Isn't it sweet? The smile it brings everytime it crosses your mind. That scene keeps flashing back and forth no matter where you are. And how you wished that moment would just stand still. To allow that scene to keep on playing forever. And you wondered why didn't you do something crazy to make the scene more memorable? Like the ones you keep fantasizing about. So that you won't sit with guilt to this day knowing that you didn't do what you heart desired. And maybe that scene would change for the better had you followed your heart. If only you didn't have so many second thoughts. If only you were bold enough. If only you had enough courage to do so. If only you had voiced out what you truly want. Why can't you be a little self-centered for once? Why do you have to let opportunities slipped by all the time? But still, the scene is by far the sweetest one I've ever seen. Can it be repeated?

Just some crap. Please ignore.
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Sunday, April 15, 2007

One wild night

I realised the importance and value of true friendship as well as the fakeness of it in just the span of one day.

A close friend is getting married this week. So, in order to enjoy her last weekend of singlehood, she got all of us down to a club last night. It turned out to be that the loud music as well as the liquor that went with it was all just a platform for not only her, but also for a few others, to unleash their miseries and pains. I was one of them. As the music got louder and the flow of booze got heavier, people began to get out of control. Very out of control. The night ended with my head throbbing and my legs wobbling due to the numerous shots I took to loose myself. It didn't work. Not the shots. Not the heavy dancing.

It was during our 'cooling' out session that all stories emerged. All inner feelings spilled. All unspoken words spoken. All angers unleashed. All pains let loose. Friends were standing by to take control of certain situation, to lend a shoulder to lean on, to hear you out, to show some concern, and to fool around. But when you are drunk, anything's possible. Not everything is true. Not all actions are genuine. Everything is a lie. You won't remember a single thing anymore the moment you wake up the next morning. All will be forgotten.

It was when I woke up this morning that it dawned upon me that everything, every word spoken and every action taken in the past by what I call close friends, have been a lie. Everyone was hiding something. And to hide that certain something, you lie to a friend. The cares and concerns previously shown were all fakes. Everything don't seem to be genuine any longer.

Close friends. They give you pleasure. They give you pain. Until now you know that the pleasures they gave were not all real. Secret agendas laid in between. They came without warning. They want to leave without taking you into the picture. They are tough to keep. They are tough to let go.Why does by just being friends have to be so complicated? Why just because of certain things we have to put a crack into what we already have?

But at least when you are drunk, you get the opportunity to do certain things that you never had the guts to do. Or when you pretend to be drunk.

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Saturday, April 7, 2007

It

I'm not sure how true this can be. I'm not really certain if it's for real either. But if my hunch is right, then I guess it will most probably happen. It's even predicted to happen.

All along I've been waiting for it. And now that it's near, I'm having doubts if I still want it. Well, I do still want it. Only that it's not what I've expected it to be. I was anticipating something else. If I push this away, it might not come back. I'm like caught in the middle. Either way, I don't want to live in regrets.

Should I really settle for something that's not really up to my expectations? Should I keep waiting for something that might not come? Should I listen to my heart? Should I listen to other people's heart?

I'm sick of deciding. I'm afraid to do so.
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Sunday, April 1, 2007

Fortune teller : Part III

I was there real early today. The place was empty. No long queues. Phew! Was done within an hour.

Today's results : slight improvements in some aspects. :) But still not good enough yet. So, he got me another 'accessory'. You'll know what is it when you see me. This one is supposely to fend off....erm...I'll let you know privately... Hehe!

He even suggested a make over for me. To make me look better wor. And he adviced me to switch profession. It seems my line of profession now won't get me far in the future. So, he recommended one that would bring me big bucks. He sort of knew I had plans to further my studies. And he said I could give his recommendation some considerations. Alright, I will....

Let's see what he has to say 2 months from now.
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Pampered. Rebellious. Princess.

When words get unspoken...

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