Loner

I try not to think of myself as one. But sometimes, it's very hard not too when you don't have someone to call your own. People around have been telling me, " Aiseh, you don't need one now. You're still young. Opportunities will come your way. After all, you have friends around you. They can fill your time. You should be contented."

Yea. There are friends around. Some might think that I have a lot to choose from. My weekends would most probably be filled with events that I could not resist. Parties. Movies. Shoppings. Dinners. Hangouts. Is that the type of impression I give people about myself? Well, I can tell you one thing that holds so true after all has happened lately. Nothing is forever. Nothing stays with you.

So what if I have tonnes of friends whom I can call whenever I want? Friends are just friends. They are not obligated to keep you company. You will never know what does it feels like to not able to find a single person to accompany you when you wanted someone to. People come. People go.

I know I've shown pictures of me and my close friends or "gangs" on friendster and facebook. People that are really close and I enjoyed my time with them. But as I said, nothing is forever. I was having a drink with a gang of them just moments ago and I could forsee that we will definitely split up. We will not be as close to each other as we had before. Things just happen you know. People do change. Situations change. And what can you do to make them remain the same as before? That's the unpredictability in life.

The sting of loneliness gets more deadly when I see couples in love together. Especially so when they are within the group. Not to say that it's a bad thing. I do understand the affections. But sometimes it just reminded me of how pathetic I am. How where I don't have anyone to care about or anyone to be concerned of. I am sincerely happy for friends who gets into relationships. But it's also the point where I realise that I would be going to loose them. They defintiely won't have time for me anymore. The statement holds true for every friend of mine that has gotten into any relationship. That is why I'm sometimes kinda afraid to hear the news. I would rather not know.

It is getting more intensed lately. When I thought that I had found people who would really hang out with me, people who are in the same situation, it suddenly came crashing down that all my thoughts are never meant to be true. And I was thrown back to my original state when my friends left for their other halfs. I am left hanging in alone again. As it has always been.

I have no intention of sounding desperate. I know I won't be able to find someone in life. That's just my luck you know. I do suck at relationships. I was planning to live life as it is and enjoy every moment of me being a person. I was thinking that if maybe I have my friends around and that I'm doing what I like to do, I can kill my loneliness gradually. But my friends are no longer around. And I don't have a purpose in what I'm doing. I'm just like floating on to no where seeking for directions or some light that could lead me out of this misery.

Happiness doesn't stay long too. Like what I told this friend of mine. There would always be an end to the happiness experienced. And at every end, there would be a beginning. A beginning. An end. A beginning. An end. Just how many times can you find ways to overcome the ending and to start anew? And just how many times can you bear the pain of the ending? I'm getting tired. I no longer know what to do.

After this entry, I would think that I'm a loner. Yes, I am one. A loner.