Goodbye 2008

It's the end of the year, once more. Thought that I'd pen down one last entry before I sign the year off.

I could still remember how I started the year. It was a drink with a friend of mine at a nearby cafe. And then I had to work on new year's day. Going on, the year has its share of ups and downs. Happy moments. Unhappy moments.People came. People left. In a flash, the year went by. For each year, I'm glad it came. It gave me new experiences. New feelings. New people to meet. New things to do. New events to look forward to. And this passing year, I was glad as well. I'm glad that I lived through it. I'm glad that I'm able to live past it to the next year.

Here I am, blogging on new year's eve, when I should be out partying. Not to say that I have no invites, only that the mood is not there to celebrate this year. And it's been a tiring few weeks. I'd rather stay at home and catch some programmes on tv. Pirates of the Carribean is playing at the moment. Call me old. I guess age is catching up. Not up to any more countdowns. Not up to any more gatherings into the wee hours. Just want to lay back and chill in the comforts of home.

Surprising enough, just when I thought everyone would be out doing something to usher the new year, there are quite a number of people on MSN. My mates of the old age. Ahaha! All lazy people grown out of the partying days. It's good to have them around for some company tonight though. Cool!

All ritey...Goodbye 2008! And Hello 2009!
May the new year brings all the good things in life for everyone. Have a wonderful year ahead!

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Congratulations Sharon!

My 'twin' is finally married!After so many years with her beau, they are finally, officially together.Her story is a happily-ever-after one. Stable. Tolerant. Caring. Loving. Sharing. She found the perfect man and he found the perfect woman. Perfect!

She looked so entirely different last Saturday. "Is that really her?" Walking into the dinner hall, holding onto her husband's arms...and all smiles. Awwww! I feel so happy for her. So very happy. Congratulations dear!

I am surely gonna miss you...

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Car accident...again...

Either it's pure bad luck or I'm just a lousy driver. I know what is running through your mind. I am a lousy driver. There I admitted. Hah.

I was reversing to park my car. Didn't notice the Harrier at the back. My censor didn't work. Bang! I broke my tail light and the Harrier was scratched. Gosh. Scared the hell out of me. I was so at fault. Got down to check out the damage. The owner literally came running out.

Inspected. Inspected. Talked. Talked. "Okay. Okay. Cut all the crap. I'll just pay for your damages." All I wanted was to settle the thing and get away as fast as I could. Don't really feel comfortable having like 10 unknown people surrounding you at night, pointing fingers. But my friend went, "Don't be foolish. He double parked. He's at fault too. Let's see what does he have to say first..." Well, he said nothing. The owner said, "It's fine." And walked away. Oooh-kayyy....Saved!

Still, I ended up shaking....

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Euphoria - Ministry of Sound

This year's Christmas was spent with my close friends again. This time, it was down to the clubs. Actually it was more like for Vannie's hen's night. So, there we were at Euphoria, 13 of us, 6 bottles of Chivas and tonnes of fun.

I have never been in to Euphoria. Well, it gave me quite a good experience. The decos are good. The dance floor is spacious enough. The seats are comfortable enough. The patrons were more well-mannered. It was a non-smoking place. There were no crowds all over. So at least we could breathe and move around freely. The chicks were hot. The guys were, well, being guys. Hah.

With loud music, with people that you are comfortable with, with so many alcohols, a digi cam, and with an occassion to celebrate, no doubt, we went wild. Dancing. Flirting. Drinking. Playing. Kissing. Hugging. Fooling. Crapping. My people. Totally amazing.

Words could not describe the amount of fun...and tiredness I had last night. The pictures are on its way. They need screening and editing. Haha. Will be up in Facebook in no time.

Merry Christmas! I had another memorable eve....

(P/S: Just for the sake of last night, it does feel rather good being held tight...)

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If you only knew...

All these years, I have been wondering why,
Upon realization, I let out a sigh,
It was never a lie,
Only, that part of me have been too blind.

It wouldn't have been the same,
If I had played your game,
Now, I have no one else to blame,
But myself for being so 'insane'.

How I always wish I could only turn back time,
To the days when we were in our prime,
Where I'd act on your sign,
And I'd be yours and you'd be mine.

This thing that you didn't know,
Something buried deep down below,
Was that it was never meant to be a 'no',
Which I should have told you, long ago.

Words could no longer bring you back,
As I sit here, consumed with endless regret,
All that is left were memories to tag,
With every thought of them made my heart crack.

I force myself to leave it all behind,
But as if something that binds,
You, somehow, keep coming back to my mind.

It is too late,
I'm sorry for all the wait...the heartbreak,
They shall posses your trait,
As in my heart, a space for you, I'll always create...

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Naive

It's a big big world. Things are always not what it seems to be. Even if you've been nicely treated. Even if you've benefitted. You will not know what is lurking under the masks' of people around you. Not until it's too late.

Nothing in this life is free. Happiness comes at a cost. Depending on the way you see it. No where is truly safe for your standing. Definitely not out on the streets, not even at home. As you grow up, you'll see more of everything. Both the bright and the dark side. The pressures of life would force you to take sides. To abstain? A mixture of both? Or do you actually have the choice to choose?

If you are naive, you have every right to be ignorant. If you are disadvantaged, you have every right to regret. If you are protected, you have every right to be lucky. It's every person for themselves out there. If you want to be in, play the game. If not, then stay away. It's a simple rule of life.

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The call

Certain people give a soothing effect. A certain calmness. No matter what is it that they say. Be it some advice or just some mere crap. Certain people just have that aura. Part of their personality. Part of who they are. It feels safe to just listen to what they have to say.

I made a call today. It lasted for like 5 minutes. But it does feel good thereafter. That tone.... It felt safe. It managed to lead the lost puppy back on track. At least for the moment.

Does that mean I have to keep calling?

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Work hard, played harder

This is by far the crappiest team I've ever worked with.

We stayed back at the client's after working hours. Only, we weren't working. Guess what? We played computer games!

All 6 of us. Hogging over the VT's laptop, having fun over "spot the difference". Our 'discussions' and laughters apparently brought the attention of the clients walking past. They gave us curious glances. "Shut that door." There, now we can play to our will.

Half an hour past. Still playing. "Can we go now?" The VT finally gave up. But seniors were reluctant to end the game. Only when hunger stroke that we finally got the will to pack. Hah!

And I was in it all. Shhhh!!! Don't tell boss.

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Please wake me up....

The past few days have been dreamlike. Clouded. Misted. Blurred. And my head, well, it was not where it was supposed to be. “Someone please ‘wake’ me up…”

Been doing a lot of starring lately. Starring at the wall. Starring at the table. Starring at the ceiling. Starring at the computer screen. Starring at the mug. Starring out of the window. Starring into space. Starring into nothing. Just starring. Not wanting to move. Not wanting to do anything. Just starring. Allowing time to flow past. Seconds after seconds. Minutes after minutes. The clock ticked. Yet, I lay ignorant.

My work lay untouched, even though I am fully aware of that deadline to be met. My room is in a mess. Not wanting to clear the stuffs lying all around. My car is like a garbage truck. Not wanting to scoop aside the files and papers laying comfortably inside. My bills were left unpaid. With the due dates visibly telling me to do so. I didn’t have the heart to do what ever. I just slumped there...starring.

What is it that got me so unfocused? What is it that got my concentration off guard? What is it that made me look like a possessed soul, trying to burn a hole into the wall with my stare? What is it that made me look like a retarded nut case placed in a pyschiatric ward? A whole lot of things actually. A whole lot of things.

My official membership certificate has reached me today. I even went for the New Members' Reception organised. As a part of me felt proud to have acheived something at this young age, a part of me was questioning, "So what?" Where do I take on from here? Do I continue? Do I quit and let go? Do I know what I truly want? Do I have the guts to follow my heart? Do I continue to carry the responsibility and lead the life set ahead? Suddenly, I saw so many doors opened in front of me. Waiting for me to step in. Only, which door knob should I turn? And that I won't back out of it later on.

My 'page' turned to my senior's wedding last weekend. How she looked so lovely in that wedding dress. The smiles. The flashes. The hugs. It was just 2 years ago that she was this young girl, having fun, hanging around, gossiping, laughing out loud, playing with me. Time just runs. Now she's all grown up, married to her long time beau, having a family of her own. Times have changed. And I sort of miss her. Miss my days of working with her.

The 'pages' flip forward to the next few weeks. Annual dinner. Christmas. Wedding dinners. Vacations. New year. Activities have all been lined up. Then comes the questions.Which dress to put on? Which accessories to match? Which shoes goes with which bags? What colour eye shadow to buy? What presents to buy? The cute teddy or that lovely key-chain? Which parties to go to first? The one with ex-school mates or the one with the colleagues? How would I look like in that particular dress? Is the white one better or the pink one? Which vacations to go to? They are like never ending. And they would only stop when the actual day arrives.

Then it's on friends. Memories of them came flooding back. Suddenly I see the past in front of me. School mates from primary. From secondary. From college. From work. Picture after picture pops up. Different groups of people. Giving me different versions of my life. How I miss the days spent with them. Which never fails to put a smile on my face. How I wish that things would just stay the same. And that we didn't have to part. I wonder all the time what will happen in the future. Will we still be in contatct? Will we remember each other? Will we leave and never come back again?

My imaginary glands were getting very active these days. I bring movies to live in my head. I am getting really lost in fantasies. Where ever I go, what ever I do, I can gaze off and make way for some ridiculous story to take its course. Little scenes played. No real purpose. It keeps playing. And playing. And playing. I enjoyed the flow. I enjoyed where it takes me. I let it go on and on....

I am so reluctant to wake up. I am so reluctant to face reality...

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Hypnotized

Unknown track. Unknown composer. Unknown source.

Got it off the net, mistaken for something else. And then, I found myself drawn to it, as if being pulled by a gigantic magnet. It's instrumental. It's piano. It's smooth. It's slow. It's soothing. It's romantic. It's waiting for something to happen. It's trying to say something, but the words were unspoken. It's dangerous. It's mysterious. It's hypnotic. I have been unable to cut myself loose from it. It's been on my playlist for 3 days now. Non-stop.

It was the wrong title. Nor was it attached to the correct artiste. It was suppose to be from the movie. But it was not either. It was not on the original soundtrack. It kills me now that I can't figure out who the hell played it. Or what is it called. Or where it came from. Google has not been helpful. I'm left in the dark, listening to this unknown person on the piano, with a melody that I'm trying to decipher. Trying to decipher the message within. I have not been an instrumental kind of person. I don't really listen to them. But this score....

It came out of a coincidence. And it's going to leave me bewildered........

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Obssession

This fantasy. This story. This imagination.

I have this something in my head. It won't go away. It's been there for awhile now. They say Pisceans are dreamers. They are so true. It's in my head before bed. It's there when I wake up. It's there when I'm on the road. It's there when I work. It's there when I eat. It's there when I'm in the showers. It's there even though I'm in the company of others. It's there no matter what I'm doing. I became oblivious to everything around me. My surroundings turned to an array of gray clouds with my focus locked on this thing running around inside my head.

With time, it changes. My mind playing different kinds of versions of it. Scene after scene. Actions after actions. Expressions after expressions. My mind, twisting the original one into so many other possibilities. I can lay all day on the couch, starring into the ceiling, doing nothing but 'fiddling' with it in my head. Other chores doesn't seem to matter as I do not have the will to do any other thing but to just let my imaginations run wild. To create more stories. To allow my fantasies run high to another level. Nothing in it is for real. Nothing in it is possible. It's just something to escape to. Something to dream. I 'wake up' time after time to slap myself back to reality, only to return to the couch a few minutes later, doing the same thing over again.

I didn't know what else to call it other than obssession. Obssessed with something not real. Pouring so much time into something that will not happen. Yet, it gives so much pleasure and satisfaction to just have a thought about it. Something far inside, deep into the corner some where, slightly wished that wouldn't it be good if it does come true? That it'll bring me out there. Into the stories. Into the dream. Into the fantasies. Where I can live the impossible. Where I can make the stories turn true for myself.....

Is it just me or is there someone else who does the same things I did?

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