It

I'm not sure how true this can be. I'm not really certain if it's for real either. But if my hunch is right, then I guess it will most probably happen. It's even predicted to happen.

All along I've been waiting for it. And now that it's near, I'm having doubts if I still want it. Well, I do still want it. Only that it's not what I've expected it to be. I was anticipating something else. If I push this away, it might not come back. I'm like caught in the middle. Either way, I don't want to live in regrets.

Should I really settle for something that's not really up to my expectations? Should I keep waiting for something that might not come? Should I listen to my heart? Should I listen to other people's heart?

I'm sick of deciding. I'm afraid to do so.

{ Continue Reading... }

Fortune teller : Part III

I was there real early today. The place was empty. No long queues. Phew! Was done within an hour.

Today's results : slight improvements in some aspects. :) But still not good enough yet. So, he got me another 'accessory'. You'll know what is it when you see me. This one is supposely to fend off....erm...I'll let you know privately... Hehe!

He even suggested a make over for me. To make me look better wor. And he adviced me to switch profession. It seems my line of profession now won't get me far in the future. So, he recommended one that would bring me big bucks. He sort of knew I had plans to further my studies. And he said I could give his recommendation some considerations. Alright, I will....

Let's see what he has to say 2 months from now.

{ Continue Reading... }

I am indeed slim...

Scene 1
(In the elevator)

I entered MM's elevator and saw this middle aged lady inside. The door closed and it was just the 2 of us heading down to the ground floor.

Lady: "How did you managed to keep fit?"

Me: "Huh? (surprised to hear that coming from a stranger and not expecting that she would actually talk to me. You know la, ppl don't usually talk to unknown ppl in elevators.)

Lady: "I meant your figure."

Me: "Oh. Ermmm....." (dumbfounded. not sure as to what to answer her. Coz since when do I need to keep ft? I was born slim. Show off, I know. But hey, for all those that know me, that's the fact, rite?)

Lady: "It's good to start keeping your figure when you are young. Coz when age catches up with you, your weight catches up too."

Me: "Oh really?" (I really didn't know that. Was not trying to act dumb.)

Lady: "Oh yes. Are you in tax?"

Me: " Nope. I'm in audit."

Lady: "No wonder. With all the stress and everything. Even when you work, you need to take care of your health too. Do more exercises. Don't stay up so late. Eat healthy."

The elevator's door opened. The lady walked out hurriedly. Inside, I thank her for her sweet advice. But 10 minutes later, I was munching on McD. ;p

Scene 2
(At a client's premise)

I was heading towards the washroom when I saw the Marketing Manager coming from the opposite direction. Out of courtesy, I smiled and wished her "Good Morning".

Marketing Manager: "Morning. Wah, so small la your waist. So slim."

Before I could answer her, she rushed into her room to picked a call. I continued my way to the washroom. Another compliment. :)

Scene 3
(Still at the client's premise)

I walked past some staffs when one of them saw me. A more talkative one.

Staff : "Aiyoh, so thin la you. No tummy wan."

I stopped to 'entertain' her a little.

Me: "Got la. Just that you can't see oni. You don't have any too wat." (just to make her happy)

Staff: "Of coz la. I got a secret method to keep fit wan you know. Ladies must know how to keep in shape wan ma. Anyway, do you wanna try a new type of coffee? I just bought it from bla bla bla bla......"

The rest of the conversation is irrelevant. And I did tried her coffee.

Scene 4
(Ex-colleagues' outing)

The moment I made my appearance.....

Ex-colleague 1 : "Wow, you really are getting slimmer."

Ex-colleague 2 : "What slimmer? You should say she's getting more in shape dy."

Me : "Is that suppose to be a compliment? Or are you two being sarcastic?" (jokingly)

Ex-colleague 1 : "Of coz it's a compliment. No way we dare to offend you..."

I've been slim all along. Everyone knows that. And I don't put up weight fast. That's one thing I appreciate my body for. And I'm proud of it. No offense to anyone, but as a girl, I think I would prefer to be slim. Some people say I have a nice figure. Some people say I'm too thin. What ever. I like the way I look now. It gives me confidence to be me. I intend to keep it. And I won't hesitate to flaunt it.

I'm happy when people say I look good. Yay!

{ Continue Reading... }

The little getaway

I am beginnng to love hanging out at Starbucks in the middle of the night with a cup of ice-blended cappucino. Just sitting out there with a few people, along with real chilling breezes covering you up. It is just totally unforgetable.

You sipped your coffee slowly. Cramped around a small table. Catching up on stuffs that you left out. On and off, you feel the cold wind in your face. And a twinkling star peeping out from behind the clouds. You hear laughters from the next table. You hear laughters from your own table. And not to mention that hot waiter behind the counter. aaaaahhhhh....

Tell me how can I resist not to do it again? Lolz. I just love winds.

{ Continue Reading... }

Ups and downs

I picked up my empty bottle, opened the room door, and walked towards the pantry to have it refilled.

"Dik, ambik botol pergi mana?"

I continued walking. It was quite a distance later when I stopped and realised that someone was actually talking to me. Coz I was the only one around with a bottle in my hand. I turned back and saw the tea lady smiling at me. It took me a moment to realise that I had actually walked past the pantry and was on the way to the other end of the office. I didn't noticed where I was heading. I was 'blinded" by something. Or there was too much on my mind. The tea lady had just zapped me back to reality.

"Dik dah lupa ke tempat pantry?" She asked jokingly.

Feeling embarrassed, I smiled back and hurried in her direction. She followed me into the pantry and all the way talked about something which I didn't catched. I've no idea what got into me but all I did was just smiled back at her. Sounds rude. Sounds dumb. I quickly filled my bottle, thank her (dunno for wat) and headed back to the conference room. I didn't walked past it this time. Lolz.

It has been a rough week. It went up and down. Up and down again. I was on cloud nine on my birthday when I celebrated it with a bunch of close friends. And a watch from a brand that I had been eyeing. Thank you dearies. I received msgs and wishes from ppl that I seldom see. Even from some that I'm not too close with. Some made the effort to call. Sweet. Not to mention that Dia and Lin jie sent me a surprise package. And a birthday cake from my family which I have been eating for breakfast for the past week. But yet, I was disappointed for not hearing from some real long time friends. My best friends then had forgotten my birthday. Sad.

I worked late the next day. To rush some job. I let go of an appointment with a friend for that. I actually didn't feel bad until a call came from home. I got a scolding for working past midnight. I didn't know who to satisfy anymore. My boss? My family? My friends? Myself? I was so hurt. I was already bearing the pain of missing my dearies and yet had to put in extra work to meet some idiotic deadline. Not only that they didn't understand, they had to blame me for putting so much priority in my job. Then, I had to feel guilty for letting down a friend that obviously needed me to be there when she called. I lost all my mood.

I really felt like dying that night. My eyes were stinging when I left my unfinished work in office. It was raining hard outside..... and inside. I was hoping that someone would be there for me. Somone to tell me that everything would be all right. Someone to lend a shoulder. I had a very strong urge to call someone to let it all out. But it was already past midnight and I didn't wanna wake anyone up. I let my tears dry up inside me. It was a hard thing to do.

My mood has not fully recovered yet the day after until Michelle called to tell me that she couldn't find my birthday present. Lolz. I made her get one for me no matter what. Sorry for the trouble but how could YOU not get me anything? Especially you. My spirits were lifted further when I had a round of dinner with my sakai colleagues later that night. I laughed like mad.

Happy moments don't last. Got instructions from senior to work late again. I would be okay with it if she hadn't use a threat to get me into doing it. If you don't trust your team, you can do everything on your own. And then I had difficulties in my task. And I got frustrated. My friend called again to ask me out for a catch up. Girl, I'm so very sorry to have to let you down again. I wanted to be there too. But I just can't. I hope you would understand. And please don't get mad with me.

Arghhhh! What are you trying to do with me? Is this some sort of a game? My feelings have been all over the place the past week. And I'm suffocating. I have so many things on my mind and I need to spread my limited time to so many people. I'm not very sure of what to do anymore. To do this and regret for not doing that. Or to do this and feel bad for myself. Or to not do anything and feel guilty. My head is clouded. I need a break. I need to get away. I need a life. I need my comforts.

Yes, I shall go for a break. I am going for a break.

{ Continue Reading... }

Will this be the end?

I no longer have the strength. I no longer have the will. I have been putting up with this for far too long. I gave too many excuses to myself to hang on. But came midnight a few moments ago that everything went tumbling down. I lost myself. I lost all the branches I need to hold on to. I fell straight into nothing. I didn't see the light. I didn't see the arm.

I had once thought of ending everything when I could no longer put up with them. When I could no longer take it anymore. All the while I was waiting for the time that I would burst. It finally did happened tonight. I exploded in front of quite a number of people. All the while thinking that why didn't anyone bothered about me?

The pain was excruciating. Has the time finally come for me to end everything? I no longer want to live.

{ Continue Reading... }

Conflict of interests

Caught between myself. Between work and play. Between family and friends. Between me.....and me.

I would like to have time for everyone and everything...even for myself. I live on the principle that there will not be another today. I intend to make full use of it. Even though I might not know what will happen in the future, I do hope that it won't be one with me regretting back on life for certain things that I didn't do.

Somehow, the 24 hours daily don't seem quite enough. I couldn't satisfy everyone. I couldn't even satisfy myself. I gave up certain things in order to acheive certain expectations. Thinking back now, I questioned my decisions to do so. This is my life. Why should I be taking instructions from others on how to live it? And why must I be caught in between pleasure and responsibility? Why can't just I follow what my heart tells me? Why must I feel guilty for taking certain decisions on my own? I do have a right on my life, right? And I'm not wrong for that.

For it to be more fulfilling, I could be a little self-centered. To put myself above others. After all, who wouldn't? Some people are not worth sacrificing for. Not everyone is here forever. People come, people go. I will only be stuck with me.

So, what should I do?

{ Continue Reading... }

Siapa?

"Siapa? 是你吗?
到底谁会疼爱我啦?
为什么我一个?
Mengapa? Dimana?
是否爱会存在的啊?
Siapa disana?"

I fell in love with this from the very first time I heard it. I have been playing it every single day. Again and again. People around me are getting fed up of it. But I find it very meaningful. The music is beautiful. Especially the chorus part here. That is if you read chinese.

It's from a local artiste. A talented one, I would say. The song is actually about a social issue happening everyday. It speaks the story and the feelings of those going though it.

In times of emptiness, the above fits so very well.

Listen to the song.

{ Continue Reading... }

The 15th

Full moon. The last day. CNY has finally come to its end.

Last night. A lot of fun. A lot of food. A lot of booze. A lot of noise. A lot of talks. A lot of craps. A lot of drunks. A lot of video-ings. A lot of games. A lot of laughters. A lot of people.

Late. Tiring. But fun.

You guys are amusing.

{ Continue Reading... }

Rudeness

I look down on people with no basic courtesy. Ill-mannered. Inconsiderate. Irresponsible. Ignorant And immature.

Sounds harsh but these are people that really get onto my nerves. I'm fine if they are on an acceptable level but what's with all the unreturned calls? Unreplied messages? Unconfirmed decisions? Broken promises? Uninformed arrivals and departures? etc etc. Have some respect for yourself and for others.You don't live in this world alone. Have some thought for others for once.

Shouldn't everyone be acting their age now?

Enough said.

{ Continue Reading... }

Ignorance is bliss?

I'm a blur case. Ppl who know me would tell u this. Blur in the sense that I sometimes won't be able to get what others are saying. Or I get lost in certain conversations. You need to repeat things at times in order to get my full attention. "Huh?" happens to be another one of my common words. Oblivious of my surroundings. Yea. I didn't think that it would matter much all along. Coz it's my nature. Born with it. Under the Pisces sign. And as far as I've read, Pisceans are dreamers. I don't know about the rest, but it holds true for me. So, as you would have guessed, my mind will go wondering most of the time. If not all of the time. And where does my mind usually fly to? Don't ask.

Until recently, the blurness is not a good thing after all. I mean I didn't think that it was good a thing. I just live with it. Being blur, or rather, being ignorant, won't take u far in life. I didn't want to know things around me. I didn't want to see. I didn't want to hear. I didn't want to care. I didn't want to learn. I was just being plain lazy. Or maybe, it's not my nature at all to be curious. I live by everyday knowing that someone will be there to, somehow, take care of everything. And someone really did. So, I continued to live in my dreamy world. Only to be awaken at certain times. When it is necessary to do so. Yea, call me pampered. Call me spoilt. I've heard that a lot. Got teased a lot. Lolz. But I was not once bothered by them. I laughed them off. No hard feelings. No offense taken.

Reality finally slapped. It dawned upon me after so many years that a someone can't alwiz be there to take care of everything. To be my shield. To be my guardian angel. It is time to take things back into my own hands. For a change. Yes, you are right. Fui, it is time to wake up. Time to grow up. Time to be a little mature and take responsibility for the stuffs that you do. You can't pull off being confident and convincing in the world if you continue your ways. You would be laughed at. Where would u be if you knew nothing about the world? Nothing about ur culture? Nothing about ur life? You'll end up being a nobody. Coming to think of it, I am coming close to being a nobody. I am of no use for most situations. I'm just there for the sake of......being there.

I am trying. It is not easy. I can't escape from being a Piscean, can't I?
Be with me.

{ Continue Reading... }

February the 14th

If you don't have a loved one, you would be with your pals. If you don't have a loved one and not with your pals, you would be with your family. But what if you don't have a loved one, not with your pals and not with your family?

You would just wish that the clock ticks faster today. Real fast. So that you won't have to bear the sight of lovely bouquets of roses in the office nor the "Are you going any where tonight?" coming from almost everybody. The thing is, you don't want to feel sorry for yourself. Man, the day is a long one.

The mind wasn't really on the spreadsheet in the laptop. Nor was it on the files on the table. Nor was it 'listening' to what the client was trying to explain. The mind lingered back to the days when you showed me so much attention. When you made me a 'star'. You remembered everything I said. You knew all my likings. The gifts you gave. The lengthy emails we exchanged. The late night calls. The jokes you made. The arms around me. The genuine cares and concerns you showed. The touchy things you did. The surprise rose. The cute messages. The sweetness I felt everytime you looked my way. The nervousness in you everytime I glanced your way.

But we never did started anything. I never did started anything.

The day went quietly. Fate decides now. Wish me luck!

Happy Valentines Day!

{ Continue Reading... }

Lost...and found!

Remember the 'heart' u guys gave me for my 21st? Well, I wore it to work yesterday. Wanted 'u ppl' to teman me ma. Or maybe because it matched my attire. Hehe. The thing is, I was freshening up in the washroom, and thru the mirror, I realised dat my neck was bare. Shit! I panicked. The first thing dat crossed my mind was, " Gosh, u guys are so gonna kill me!" Even I won't be able to forgive myself. How cud I possibly lose 'my precious' ?

I was hoping dat I had not dropped it some wer on the streets. My memory flashed back to all the places I went. To all the routes I'd taken to get to office. I prayed dat I might have dropped it at home. Or maybe in the car. Places dat I knew I wud have the chance of retrieving it back. But please not out on the open roads. Wer there's a possibility of it being run over by a vehicle or picked up by some passer-by. My heart was beating fast, man!

I searched the washroom. No sign of it. Searched the corridor. No sign of it. Searched the elevator. Still no sign of it. I am so doomed. Searched the reception area. No sign of it. Searched my table. AH-HAH! There it was. Laying on the floor next to my bag. PHEW! Lucky me. Luckily it was nearby. Not out in the open some wer. I guess the buckle had loosened up. U noe. Early morning rush. Din really check to see if it was fastened properly. But no next time. Definitely. That's a promise!

I spent the rest of the day checking to see if it was still hanging from my neck. :p But u cant ask me to not put in on either. It looks good on me. Or rather, I look good with it. *wink*

{ Continue Reading... }

From that school on the hill top

You inspire me.
You lift me up when I am down.
You give me strength to carry on.
You bring out the best in me.

Juz a little something that I would like you all to know. When times get real hard and tough, juz the memories of the smiles on your faces, the sweetness in you all, the wisdom words, a casual 'hi', or juz simply a mere presence, will somehow or rather take all the blues away.

I was browsing friendster the other day. I took a peek at your lives. I can't say how proud I am of all of you. Look at how we've grown, man! From naughty kids to smart, young adults. Going places, experiencing the world, getting on with lives and doing things that none of us would have thought of doing back then. Even though I'm no longer part of them, I am still proud to call you all friends. It is good to see that you all are happy. My childhood mates. No other.

I can see you all make it big in the years to come. Something I know for a fact. Don't prove me wrong, alrite? I will make it big too....someday. ;p

Miss you all. You guys...rock.

{ Continue Reading... }

Conversation

Late evening.

Nash: " U dun look quite alright lately."
Kara: " Huh?"
Nash: " U seem out of this world."
Kara: "Wat?"
Nash: " Is something bothering u?"
Kara: " I guess." (shrugs)
Nash: " Do u wanna talk about it?"
Kara: " No."
Nash: " I might able to extend some help"
Kara: ......... (No. U wont be able to. Besides, ur not the best person for me to spill.)
Nash: " Wat is the problem?"
Kara: " Life."
Nash: " Is work part of it?"
Kara: ....... (Wat do u think?)
Nash: " Does it have to do with working ALL the time?"
Kara: ......... (Need I say more?)

5 minutes later.

Nash: " Is it your family?"
Kara: "No."
Nash: " Then it's okie la."
Kara: ..... (Swt. I can only feel bad on family matters, izzit? )
Nash: " Dun think so much, alright?"

Kara: ....... (Dun think so much? How can I not think so much when my life is gradually slipping away becoz of ppl like u and the rest? Ppl with no life. At all. Worst is, I'm spending less time with my family and frens. Two bunch of ppl dat, at least, helped me keep my sanity! I cant let out to anyone. I cant see any others except for the team. No one to soothe my miseries. No one to tell me I'd be fine. Argh!! And u expect me to be me? U can go to hell with dat. I dun feel like hanging around u guys any more. But like I have a choice not to. So u better keep ur distance and take all ur influences far off as well. I'm not into all these. I need my life back.)

10 minutes later.

Nash: " Nitez. See you tmr. So, u'd be driving?"
Kara: *Nods*

{ Continue Reading... }