I quote...

Jay kor,
I don't know where did you get this line from, but it happens to fit so well with my current situation :

"Do not let someone become a priority in your life, when you are just an option in theirs"

Yea. I know I'm just an option. One out of the many. One out of the million choices. I just don't get it why do I have to be so dumb to take it so hard on some people. To hope so much. To expect so much. Only to leave myself in misery. Now I have to get over it.

Some people can be real distracting.

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Heart or mind?

Not being myself lately. Caught in between alot of thoughts again. My heart pointed to one direction. My mind led me to another way. And my actions went back and forth till I reached a path which I regretted on taking. Great. As I sat thinking today, I wondered what have I done in the past week or so. A mess. I made a mess of myself. And I gave some people a false impression of me. Now I'm going to be misunderstood. What the hell was I doing back then?

My heart tells me that I really wanted to do a certain something. That I really wanted to say certain things. That I really wanted to go to a certain place. That I really wanted to be in the company of certain people. And each time, something will be holding me back. Something that I couldn't resist. Making me losing out on alot of things. On a lot of opportunities.

I laid hopes on somethings that I shouldn't have. I put expectations on things that I shouldn't have. I kick myself now to even think about it back then. I should have left things as it is. To the way they were. To be as it is. When some people do things out of the norm, do you take it? Or do you ignore it? When things suddenly take a 360 degrees turn, how do you handle it? Well, I didn't take it as good as I thought I would.

Do you call it depressed? Or the better word of 'soul searching'? I'm not sure where my heart and my mind would like to take me at the moment. I'm sort of, you know....lost? Can't the two of you act together and spare me from being torn apart? I've been calling people very often lately. You know who you are. Nothing much actually. Just needed to hear from someone. To clear the clouds around me. To bring me back to the real world sometimes. That's what friends are for right? For me to kacau....hahaha...

You know what. There's this scene in Fantastic 4. It made me wonder. How far would I go to give myself to someone? To help. To protect. To sacrifice. I'm no superhero. But how far would I go to be there for someone? How far would I go...

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Of friendship and love

If you were given a choice between friendship and relationship, which would you choose? The person that you like deeply is your friend. Another friend of yours is going after the person that you like. The person that you like, likes neither of you but another one of your friend. And in the mean time, another friend tries to get your attention. What would you do? Would you be willing to sacrifice your friends for a particular someone? Or would you be willing to let go the person that you have feelings for just so that you get to keep you friends at heart? Tough choice. Either way you are bound to be hurt. People are bound to be hurt. And things will never be the same again. Never.

It just comes on naturally. Human nature. Everyone needs someone. Some companion. Somebody to talk to. Somebody to do some things together. And when you get too close with people, and I mean REAL close, funny things happen. When you work with them for too long. When you hang out with them too often. When you talk to them all the time. When you see them every other day. For breakfast, lunch, tea, dinner and even supper. When everything you do went from being just mere acquiantance to friend to companion to a stage beyond that and you'd feel lost and uncomfortable without what you usually do with them. If you handled it well, it won't be a disaster. But if you don't, the 'ship' cracks and in time, it'll sink. No matter which ship you're on. The question is, how rationale can you be? What justifies 'the best solution to it all'? There is no 'best solution'. One party gain. The other loses. There won't be any win-win situation here.

Some thinks that friendship over rides love. If a friend is going after the person that you like and the person that you like likes another one of your friend, things get rough and no one is retreating, fine, you back out. To save the situation from being more complicated. To save a 'war'. A cold one. But is it worth it sometimes? To let go what you want for the benefit of others? Will people thank you for your 'generosity'? You might save a cold war. You might get to keep your friends. The clique will be as it is. People will act and assume that everything is all right and things go back to the way they were. But you won't be. You have to live with the pain and the regret of losing that one person that clicks with you so well that you know you may never find another like them. And no one knows what you're going through. Even if they knew, there's nothing much they can do to ease your sufferings.

Some go for love. Nothing else is more important. Love over rides friendship. As long as you are with the one you love, every other thing is irrelevant and invisible. Even friends that you've known all your life. To get that certain someone, you are willing to break the long standing bond with friends that you've built for so many years. And you expect your friends to forgive you for being selfish later on. You ignore chats. You ignore calls. You no longer turn up on outings. You lie to people who care so much about you. You're even not your own self any more. It's like your whole world only revolves around that someone. You are so blinded by love that you fail to see every other thing around you. People will have to put up with all the pain that you've caused. And did you at least feel a little guilty? Did you miss your friends after months or maybe years of disappearing? Did it ever cross your mind that friends do want to keep you around still? And that no one actually wants to lose you? No, you didn't.

I wouldn't know which to choose too if I was in the same situation. At least some people had the courage to make a decision. Or forced to. For the better of themselves. For the better of others. There doesn't seem to be a solution where you can have both. It doesn't work that way. It's always either one. Once you've gotten yourself into it, there's no turning back. Don't be so naive to think that life will return to the way it was any more. Things will definitely change. People change. Change for the better or for worse...I guess that's up to you to decide.

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"My" little forest

Know the little forest in front of my place? The one that's been there for the past 20 years? The one with trees and shrubs and small creatures? Yea.

The little forest will no longer be there anymore. Thanks to modernization and urban development. The local city council has plans to build some kind of a park there. You know, taman kanak-kanak of some sort. Great. Now instead of waking up to chirping birds and beautiful trees, I'm going to hear screaming kids and nagging parents.

The shrubs have all been cleared out. The trees are going next. No idea how many of them will be cut down. They have, after all, been standing there for so many years. I am going to miss the greeneries, the refreshing morning breezes, the canaries and the magpies, the squirrels, the monkeys, the flowers, the shelter from the heat of the sun...EVERYTHING!

They better build a nice park there. To compensate for certain losses. Hahaha. And wouldn't a fountain look good in the middle of it? Or maybe a small garden of roses by the side? Maybe they should keep some of the trees. It would be a good place for a picnic. Lolz. Me and my imagination.

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The Pain of One Season

(Got this of friendster's bulletin. Something to share. Something to ponder....)

There was a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons to learn not to judge things too quickly. So he sent them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look at a pear tree that was a great distance away.

The first son went in the winter, the second in the spring, the third in summer, and the youngest son in the fall. When they had all gone and come back, he called them together to describe what they had seen.The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent, and twisted. The second son said no, it was covered with green buds and full of promise. The third son disagreed; he said it was laden with blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever seen.The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and fulfillment.

The man then explained to his sons that they were all right, because they had each seen but only one season in the tree's life. He told them that you cannot judge a tree, or a person, by only one season, and that the essence of who they are and the pleasure, joy, and love that come from that life can only be measured at the end, when all the seasons are up. If you give up when it's winter, you will miss the promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer, fulfillment of your fall.

Moral:
Don't let the pain of one season destroy the joy of all the rest. Don't judge life by one difficult season. Persevere through the difficult patches and better times are sure to come some time or later.

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Sleepless night

Did something not done before. Staying up ALL night. From dusk till dawn.

Went for dinner. Went for a drink after that. As usual, the decision of the drink came after numerous suggestions... to Genting, to CC, to Redbox, to Galaxy, to mamak, to the Curve etc etc. By the time the conclusion was reached, it was not that early anymore. The later into the night, the better. We went for it.

Was suppose to go home after the drink. Since it was late, planned to stay over at a pal's place, instead of driving home in the wee hours of the morning. But, pal and I didn't head back to her home either. Just didn't feel like doing so. Pal was crazy enough to be wacky with me. It was my idea actually. Yea. Me. We ended up at this 24 hours McD. It was already 1 something.

So there we were. Hanging around McD. Chatting. Laughing. And observing. Plenty of people there. Party people. Students. WWF people. Kids. What's with urban youngsters these days? Lolz. Off and on, she asked if we should go home. I said 'no'. Naughty me. I just didn't want to lie in bed and stare at the walls. Not that night.

The hands of time ticked rather quickly. Soon enough, we saw the sky outside brightened. Oopsy. A glanced at the watch-almost 7 am. And beginning to feel hungry. We've been there the whole night. Or should I say, the whole morning? Morning air is definitely refreshing. Hah. Me again. I dragged her along for breakfast. I wanted 'dim sum'. And we had it. Boy, it was good.

Once was enough. I drove back with my eyes half closed after that. My bed seemed like heaven. I crashed immediately after shower. Only to be awaken by a call a few minutes later, asking me out again. Great. But I went along. Yea.

I liked it. To do something crazy once in a while. To do something you never thought of doing before. Gor for it. Although this was not something really very crazy. Hah.


"Most people only meant half of what they say. It is best to disregard their talk and judge only by their actions." - J Jay

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Lost in transition

I have been making up alot of things. Not to any one but to my own self. Yea. I'm lying to myself. Been making up excuses to console my insecurities. As I look around, at the people around me, at the going-ons happening each day, I don't know who I am. I don't know who I want to be. I don't know who I pretend to be. I don't know where I want to be. I don't know who I try to be.

I have a hard time in believing myself. In believing others. Each day I question if this is what I want. If this is what I want to be. If I can stand going on like this. If I can continue doing what I'm doing. If I can continue being the person that I am. If everything would be all right.

Where are my friends when I need you? When I really need you...

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The winds of fate

It blows in all directions. You'd be surprise as to where it takes you. You'd be surprise as to where you've been. It blows you to heaven. It blows you to hell. You won't know when it's coming. You won't know when it leaves. You go with the flow naturally. Without you even knowing it. And how would you know right? You can't see the wind. There's no stopping it either, is there?

This just crept up at the spur of the moment. How true it can be.

Fate. Do you believe in it?

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Anger management

Arghhh...!!

Was in a splendid mood this morning. Woke up feeling nice. Probably due to the brief chat with Dia the night before. Or maybe I had my head cleared on the same night as well. Got a clearer picture of things. Just thought that why choose to frown when I have the choice to cheer up. Got this quote of some mail someone sent me, "Forgiveness is giving up the right to hate you for hurting me".

But less than 2 hours later, I was showing my temper, slamming phones and not replying messages. I was hot as fire and I was in the washroom for quite some time just to cool down. Even that didn't work. I left my work place, grabbed a colleague and went to the pantry to let it all out to her. But, I was still pissed off.

It was not of a serious matter. Really. I just don't agree with the way it was being done. Why did I have to make it up for the obviously bad planning? And you think just a 'Sorry. I forgot", can settle everything? Who do you think you are that I'm obligated to listen to you? And what are all these craps that you wanted me to do? Stuffs that are a waste of time.

It took me quite awhile to regain my cool. And I didn't care if she'd approved of it. I was really mad. I don't think I'd wanna hide that in front of her. So I threw it at her face. Coming to think of it, I was rather harsh la. Kesian that she has to put up with me. Who asked you to ruin my mood for the day? Eventually, I did it anyway.

Guess I just didn't have the skill to manage all emotions yet. ;p

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Of being solitary

I hate being alone. I cannot stand the feeling of being invisible. That no one knows who you are or what you're doing or where your're at. I cannot go about my day without a companion by my side. There are certain people I need to see or hear each day in order for me to get going. I'll go nuts if I don't. But even to find that ONE person can be so hard. Not everyone can always be there for you. Not everyone must be there for you.

You know what hurts the most? That is people know that you are there. But they don't 'see' you. They look right past you. You'd feel like nothing. You'd feel like disappearing. What does it matter anymore with or without companions? Does it really make a difference in this case? I feel empty as ever. It kills. Gradually.

I'm no tough girl. Even if that's what I tried to be. I'm tired. I can't make it on my own. There are times of fear. There are times of vulnerability. There are times of need. Some things were unspoken. But that doesn't mean that they are not there.


(The voices of concerns. The shoulders to lean on. The arms to hang on. The gentle touches. The soft gazes. The friendly calls. The assuring hugs...They refuse to show themselves.)

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Snapshots

Hmmm...yea, was kinda bored today. So I came up with these shots from the PD trip. Enjoy!

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Me? Cool?

A close friend told me just moments ago that I'm being too cool. I was like, "What? Come on la. For all the years that you've known me, did I ever acted cool towards you? Or towards anyone else for that matter?" Okay. I can be a little quiet at times. Yea. I can be a little lousy at striking up conversations. Alritez. I know I sucked at communicating. But that doesn't make a snob, rite?

She went on and on telling me to improve this, to improve that, to change this, to change that...etc etc etc. I was listening to you more than you were listening to me the entire night. Okay friend, I get your point, and I think I'll know what to do from now on. You'll see a new me. Perhaps. Lolz.

Apple plus jasmine tea doesn't work for me. Yuck!

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Unfocused

What do you do when you constantly have ALL of your friends on your mind? No matter for good or for bad.. Especially now when most of them are facing some sort of dilemmas and needed a shoulder to lean on. And as the person that you are, you just don't have the heart to leave them alone without some words of comforts and concerns. And some company.

Your mind would be all about them and little did you know that you had poured hot water, not into the cup, but onto the finger next to it. Dumb.

When you see your reddened, swollen and 'crying' finger, you'd think, "Now what have your friends got into you?" But you remained the way you are.

(Dia, I miss you...)

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The surprise

Not just only one. Alot. In just a short period of time. The passing week has been a 'heavy' one. All of sudden, so many things emerged. So many phone calls were made. So many news to be digested. So many feelings to be cared for. Our initially fun and crazy circle is gradually turning into a messy one. Still fun and crazy. But a whole lot messier than I thought. Indiscribable.

Surprises. Surprises. Surprises. Lin jie, u were the biggest surprise last night. I'm glad you stayed.

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Port Dickson break

Well, not exactly a view of the beach. But there's still an element of water in it. So, I guess it still counts la. That's the pool at Tiara Beach Resort. With an artificial waterfall. And it is at this area where I snapped this picture did I spent most of the nite chatting with a pal. Just the 2 of us. Cool huh?

Another nut case outing. It has been a norm with these few people that we do everything at the very last minute. Decided to head to PD only just the nite before, after coming up with numerous other places to spend our holidays. Grabed a few people that can make it. Went online to scout for hotels and rates. But still not confirmed yet coz of the peak season. Got a call after mid night to say that the trip was on. Woke up at 5.30 am the next morning to pack and then left at 7 am to beat the traffic.

Phew! Rush. And what did we do there? Hung around. Ate. Played monopoly. Fooled around. Watched some tv. Swam in the pool. Rebut with kids to play water guns (sigh!). Disturbed one another. Checked out hotties. Slept. Okay..and some drinking.

No beach. No sand castle. No banana boat. No kite flying. No beach activities. No sunsets. No sunrise. Purpose to PD not acheived. I guess we were just there to enjoy the company of one another. Hah!

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