Nail biting (again!!!)

If you look at my nails, they are all gone again. Yea, I'm back to my nail bitting habit. I actually got out of it for quite some time now, but it came back when I have too much on my mind. Even the suggested solution of polishing them failed in its purpose to prevent me from doing so.

Work could be part of the reason. Too much responsibilities, too little time, too little knowledge, too much expectations. I don't work well under pressure. I won't be able to breathe and I can't think properly. But that's the only thing that my boss is 'bestowing' me now. I do try to meet those expectations. Didn't want to disappoint anybody. Guess I'm trying too hard that's its wearing me off.

Went to a friend's wedding this evening. A primary one that is. So, someone my age got married. Happy for her. And definitely happy to meet 'old' friends. But it was sort of wierd you know. As I looked at her on stage with her husband, I thought "Well, this is the person that I've known since I was 9 or 10 and here she is, in a wedding dress, smiling at the cameras and hanging on to her husband. Sooner or later I'll hear that she'll have kids and getting on with life. " I know I know. People grow up. They move on. I'll move on too. I just can't let go just yet. Part of me still want to go back to those days when we had so much fun together. I want to keep those days still.

Sort of just got back from clubbing also anyway. Took my maiden voyage down to Poppy. Just to let loose. But this time was no fun at all. Too many unsightly sights. Everyone was like hanging on to someone. Someone would be there for someone. I was the only odd one out. And it doesn't feel all right. What fun could you possibly have dancing and drinking alone? Speaking of which it doesn't help either. I'm still sober enough to come home and blog about the night. I was suppose to get drunk!

That's part of the reason for my uninvolvement in the Malacca trip as well. I actually do have the heart to go but I know that if I go, I'll end up feeling sorry for myself. There are too many couples around in the clique and it's sometimes hard for me to take it. This whole thing has been making me feeling unwanted and pushed away. I know at times that it was not meant to be but situations are as it is. Yea. I admit. The attentions were not on me. As they say, "I'm one person less and one person more, so what difference does it make?" Sorry for the bad mood thingy. Not bad mood actually. Just too much on my mind.

It was never my intention to be the vulnerable one. The decision came years ago when I fell and took quite some time to stand up again. This time I don't plan to fall again. I don't even know if it's for real. He 'comes' to me on and off. Maybe I was hanging out with him too often. And maybe it's just a casual fling. The only thing that I'm sure off is that I'm glad to see him around. And I'll be disappointed if I don't.

Then there are things with the family which I sort of neglect. Little things which I didn't take to heart. Now it's accummulated and 'thrown' to me all at once. Great. I've got no idea which to handle now first. Everything is coming in all directions. The more I sit and give some thought to them, the more I'm confused. Is this the stage in life where you are 'finding youself'? Like what the elders say?

Gosh. It's already 5 in the morning and my nails are getting shorter by the minute.

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The Pirates of Loo Moot

That's the theme of our group trip this year. Which was exactly 2 weeks ago. At the Swiss Garden Damai Laut Resort, Lumut. I've finally compiled all relevant pictures taken. Just for the record.

What was supposingly to be a relaxing vacation turned out to be a real exhausting one.I mean, this was suppose to be the time for us to take a break from work and just ease ourselves. But the organisers had to come up with some team building activities throughout the whole journey. We had to act as pirates, run up and down the streets to solve clues and look for the designated 'treasures'. We were all worn out and panting by the time we reached the resort on the first day there. Plans to sleep in the bus were ruined too as there were more games to play. Like Soduku. Hah.

Basically, we were playing all throughout the trip. Yea. That would be me and my gang. My colleagues turned friends. I guess you would know who are they by now. If you go through the album, you'll see the same faces. Haha. We went for island hopping. Banana boat riding. Burger boat riding. Canoe ing. Snorkeliing. Boozing. Pillow talking. Beach walking. 'Chor dai dee' ing. Bed breaking. And tonnes of crapping. As usual la.

And then there were more team building activities by the organisers. It was like team building all the way without much free and easy time for ourselves. This time we were made to run round the resort to the tennis court to fix some puzzle. Then head to the beach to play around with sea water. All in all, this whole trip was like running here and there in the hot sun. It's more tiring than work man!

Anyway,it was definitely a trip to remember. There were more heart to heart talks this round. So, the bond with my fellow gang members have definitely tightened. Sad to say that I still didn't get my chance to watch the sunrise and to stroll the beach at night. What a waste. Still, I didn't regret that I went for it. Lolz.

Another year has gone by. I have 2 group trips up my sleeves now. So much has changed since then.

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Dumb & dumberer

Dumb. Fool. Naive. Stupid. Dolt. What ever you wish to call it. It doesn't matter. It portrays the same meaning anyway. That would be me when I woke up 2 hours earlier.

Often people would comment on how lucky I am to have a large group of friends. Close friends that you'll feel comfortable doing all kinds of silly silly stuffs together. Hanging on the cell for 4 hours straight. Staying up all through the night. Going for trips in the wee hours of the morning. Draging you home after a night of clubbing. Yea. When the moment comes, I do actually feel lucky. It's a comfort to know that I could always fall back on some one when ever I needed to.

But there is a downside to it. When you know people for far too long, when you get more than close to them, when everything you do would be a norm, you'll start to build certain expectations.Which is actually a real dumb thing to do.You'll expect them to call. You'll expect them to count you in on outings. You'll expect them to update you on the on-goings in their life. When they don't, you'll start to wonder if you are part of the group.

Why do you miss them so much when they don't? Why do you want to hang out with them when they don't? Why do you leave some weekends for them when they don't even know? Why do you call them when they think that you are bothering them? Why do you still treat them just as nice when they treat you like crap? Why do you still act as if nothing has happened when you know for sure that you've been taken advantaged of? Why do you still want to believe them when you know words are going to be taken back after some time? Why do you live up to your promises when theirs are so rightfully broken? How can you still afford to smile when you desperately want to hug someone and let you heart out?

Yea. Me. Dumb. As always. Tolerating and giving in. Never making a stand. Not up to me to make any stands anyway. Give others pleasure. Giving me pain. Nah. Didn't blame anyone. Doesn't give me a right to. I was mad. I was disappointed. But it was all in me. Friends are friends. They will only be friends. Can't expect too much. Never expect too much.

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A nite of Dome...

Saturday night. Bored. Shouldn't be at home. Hehe. So I grabbed Mich and got her out. Went down to BB. Saje to enjoy the people and the lights. Decided on Dome and there were we. Fooled with the camera and came up with the following. Nah. No extreme shots. Too many guys around. Need to jaga image abit la. Haha! People were already looking anyway. Since we memang pun didn't take much photos together, I shall make it up with this. Girl, your artistic skills suck man. It's a waste for having to end the night real early. You la. Mafan betul.

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A stupid mistake

Not exactly a mistake actually. The title should read, "A stupid reckoning". Yea. As with my previous entry, I was taken too into my pride. Well, today, for once I thought, maybe I should let go a little and do some things that my heart tells me to.

And I went for it. With a little expectation, I was in high hopes. When it materialised, I was sort of glad. I was skipping with joy while trying to maintain my cool at the same time. To not to look too eager. But the truth is I enjoyed it.

But soon later, it all came crashing down. Dumb. I gave myself a false impression. I gave others a false impression. A whole lot of people. Great. What the hell was I thinking back then? And what in the world had I said?? Or rather, what in the world had I NOT said?? I feel like slapping myself hard in the face. I don't think I would like to face those people again. I'm going to crawl into some hole and stay there for the next few days. It's a good thing that I'm going for a break till next week. Ahh...save me a whole lot of explanations. And some whole lot of stares.

Crap. How la am I going to resolve this now?

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Pride?

Is that what is in me now? Pride? That something that's holding me back all this while?

There are some things that I would so like to do. There are some people that I would so like to see. There are some people that I would so like to call. There are some people that I would so like to disturb. To hang out. To have fun. To be in the company. But, pride. This whole big pride thing forcing me to think twice. Forcing me to hold back my words. Forcing me to hold back my actions. The more I think, the more I hesitate, the more I'm letting everything slip away, the more I'm going to kick myself.

I lay in bed every night thinking about the things that I didn't do. Thinking about the things I did. Thinking if I had done wrong. Would I be regretting something later on? Why in the world did I let pride get to me? Why did I shut everything out because of something foolish? I want myself back. I want my life back. I don't want to go through all these. And yet, I was the one that planted them there.

Karen, over lunch last Friday, you've made a point. And you sort of saw through me. It got me thinking for quite a while. I always say that long standing friends definitely know me more than I do. I usually unable to see myself very clearly. But you are going to leave again. I'm going to miss you.

People, please la don't come and go so often. Please don't turn up in my life suddenly and then say you need to leave for the better when I already could'nt let go of the reins. You got me embracing the joy of uniting and then you leave me in vain for watching you all leave. It's rather too much at times, you know?

I quote a friend from last night, "Find yourself when you are young. Do not be afraid to do what ever it is that you wish now as you will not have the chance to do them when age catches up. So go for it." Yea, I am in the midst of finding. Still searching. Courage is what all it takes.

I shall not want to 'see' what the next week holds for me. The more I anticipate, the more I'm going to fall. I shall just let everything be as it is.

(If you are lost with this entry, just be la. Don't spend too much time understanding what has been written....)

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