Pride?

Is that what is in me now? Pride? That something that's holding me back all this while?

There are some things that I would so like to do. There are some people that I would so like to see. There are some people that I would so like to call. There are some people that I would so like to disturb. To hang out. To have fun. To be in the company. But, pride. This whole big pride thing forcing me to think twice. Forcing me to hold back my words. Forcing me to hold back my actions. The more I think, the more I hesitate, the more I'm letting everything slip away, the more I'm going to kick myself.

I lay in bed every night thinking about the things that I didn't do. Thinking about the things I did. Thinking if I had done wrong. Would I be regretting something later on? Why in the world did I let pride get to me? Why did I shut everything out because of something foolish? I want myself back. I want my life back. I don't want to go through all these. And yet, I was the one that planted them there.

Karen, over lunch last Friday, you've made a point. And you sort of saw through me. It got me thinking for quite a while. I always say that long standing friends definitely know me more than I do. I usually unable to see myself very clearly. But you are going to leave again. I'm going to miss you.

People, please la don't come and go so often. Please don't turn up in my life suddenly and then say you need to leave for the better when I already could'nt let go of the reins. You got me embracing the joy of uniting and then you leave me in vain for watching you all leave. It's rather too much at times, you know?

I quote a friend from last night, "Find yourself when you are young. Do not be afraid to do what ever it is that you wish now as you will not have the chance to do them when age catches up. So go for it." Yea, I am in the midst of finding. Still searching. Courage is what all it takes.

I shall not want to 'see' what the next week holds for me. The more I anticipate, the more I'm going to fall. I shall just let everything be as it is.

(If you are lost with this entry, just be la. Don't spend too much time understanding what has been written....)