Losing it

Times have certainly change. I've seen numerous taglines which read, "It's not the same anymore". Didn't quite get the real picture of it then. Cause everything was the same to me. Untill I experienced it for myself did I really understood what does it means now.

The whole day today had been wet and cold. Rain didn't stop pouring since morning. And it is because of this that I stayed at home the entire day. Doing absolutely nothing useful. Really nothing. Lazed in bed. Rolled under the sheets. Skipped lunch. Nothing interesting was on TV, so I shut it off after 1 hour of switching channels. Picked up my novel but didn't complete a chapter. Went online, but found out that there was nothing in particular that I needed to do there, so I went offline. Remembered that I had some unfinished work to do, but felt too lazy to even switch on my laptop, so I ditched the idea of it. Wanted to help out with house chores but mum said she'll take care of it, so I was left with not much to do.

Little did I know, time just went on like that. It will be mid night soon. Another day has gone by. I sit here now wondering if this is a life that I want it to be. Without purpose. Without direction. It had never bothered me before. I had enjoy the comfortability and perfectness of my life all these while. As I mentioned, times are changing. How I lead my life currently no longer satisfy my needs of it. I wanted other things. Better things. Different things. Things, I realised, were "bestowed" to others rather than to myself. I look around with envy that some people I know are doing the things that I had thought of doing. Only never been given the chance. Some people are experiencing life that I longed to have. Only never been given the opportunity. Wise men always say, "Opportunities need to be earned. It won't drop from the sky." I guess I'm just not lucky enough. And the big question is, WHY?

I look back all these years and realised I've never did anything particularly amazing. Life given to me had sort of been wasted. No proud acheivements. No wonderful experiences. No interesting events. Lame one. If someone were to ask me what I did all throughout my life, I guess I would have a hard time answering him. Or maybe I would just walk away. Embarrassed. I know it's time to make a difference. I lack the motivation and the courage to do so. It's all my own fault actually. I wanted something and yet didn't make enough effort to go for it. I waited. And waited. All I've been doing is waiting. Waiting for what exactly? I do not know. And I would still continue this waiting. Till eternity.

I seriously enjoy writing. It's been a flair that came at a very young age. I do not dare say that I'm good at it. I have known people that can write even better. It's just something that I enjoy doing. It gives me pleasure. But other than the little space I have here, I don't think I will ever bring this pleasure of mine to a higher level.

Being a hermit does does things to your head.