Was it right? Or was it wrong?

Often, the many decisions we make, there is no absolution on whether it's right or it's wrong. Many times, it's a gamble. Not knowing what lies ahead, not knowing what the outcome would be, we make the best estimation possible, put our best foot forward and follow our hearts. It is not until a certain time where our decisions have been 'judged', did we fall into the categories of regret or gratitude. No one is spared.

When you've picked the chicken burger over the vege salad, was it the right choice or the wrong one?
When you've decided to walk rather than hiring a cab, was it the right choice or the wrong one?
When you've hung out with your guy instead of your girl friends, was it the right choice or the wrong one?
When you've wanted to splurge rather than save up, was it the right choice or the wrong one?
When you've given up your job to be with your family, was it the right choice or the wrong one?
When you've gotten yourself caught in debts over that new property, was it the right choice or the wrong one?
When you've decided to leave everything behind and migrate overseas, was it the right choice or the wrong one?
When you've delayed having a baby over that new job promotion, was it the right choice or the wrong one?

How much time have we spent contemplating each move? Taking into account every pros and cons. Listing them down. Soughting advices from acquaintances. Flipping the coin. Talking to God. And "Ah hah!" Finally. I will go with the burger today.

How often did we tell ourselves that we have made the right choice, only to fidget and re-think that maybe we, in fact, made the wrong move? Of course it won't matter much if it's a burger or a salad. Cause you could always pick the salad tomorrow if you didn't picked it today. But would you be able to buy another property tomorrow when you've realised that you'd bought the wrong one today?

Decisions. So many have been afraid of  the aftermath that follows. Afraid that it will lead us to the unexpected. A twist in the events that precautions have not been made. Many have heard themselves expressing, "Sigh! I shouldn't have done this. I should have opted for the other alternative instead". And it is from these that others took reasonable precautions. Afraid of muttering the exact same words themselves. Not intending to follow the footsteps of those caught in the dilemma.

Yet, it is something that couldn't be avoided. You, somehow, still got to decide on something each passing day. There is no way that you could have known if the decisions made today were the right ones or the wrong ones for the coming future. People changed. Events changed. Circumstances changed. Perceptions changed. There's a possibility that you might not be the person you are today 10 years later, so let alone the decisions made.

We plan. We consider. We look into all aspects. And we just hope for the best. Hope that it was, indeed, the right move. Even if it was the wrong one later on, we would still hope that the effects will not be that severe. That the corrective measures were sufficient to make right the wrongs.

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Competitions

I seriously hate competitions. Not competitions as in contests. But competitions as in people competing with each other on any matter, be it education, career, accessories, wealth, travel, friends, anything!

I see it as pointless. You compete with your relatives. You compete with your firiends. You compete with your neighbours. You compete with your colleagues. Okay, may be I'm a little weird. Or may be I'm just not that competitive. Not that ambitious. I don't get it when someone starts to whine and whine over 10As instead of 11As that her friend scored. Isn't 10As good enough? You'd still get that scholarship. You'd still get into that prestigious university. You'd still be highly regarded by your future employer. You'd still be highly paid. So why all the whining? Why all the jealousy?

A friend has once told me that it's good to compete. "When you compete, you will try your best to win. And to do that, you will improve. Even if you don't win, it will make you a better person. Competition is a good thing, in a certain way". I had agreed with him at first. But along the way, I realised that I totally hated it. I can be a competitive person. But not with people around me, it will be with my own self. I don't out-do the person beside me for that promotion, I'll out-do myself in order to acheive that.

Yes, I can't deny that I do make comparisons with my peers in regards to where I stand. But that's just about it. To move forward, I'll see what is it that I'm lacking and I work on it. I perfectly understand that not everyone could obtain the same results. May be someone got luckier. Maybe someone was smarter. May be someone worked harder. May be someone has got the right connections. It doesn't always mean that you are at the losing end just because you weren't as good as the other person. May be to the other person, you are the source of envy.

I just dun understand why people fail to see that. Wake up and smell the air! Life is never perfect. No matter how hard you compete, no matter how jealous you could be, if things weren't meant to be yours than it wouldn't be. So why waste all that time feeling bad? Learn to make the best out of what you have. Learn to compete with, not others, but yourself. If you win, then you really have something to celebrate about.

I just don't give a damn if you got that huge diamond ring on your finger. I don't even like diamonds. If you know what I mean.

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Jobless? Oh No!!!

As most of you know, I quit my previous employment without a new one. When people found out, they went "What?? WHY???" You know. The very shock-unbelievable look. Everyone. From the security guard to the butcher at the market to the neighbours to the relatives to friends to senior management in large corporations.

The next questions running through their minds (from the next look that they portrayed), "Is there something wrong with her?", "Was she laid off?", "Did she screw up her last assignment?", "Did she do something very wrong?". It was easier to deal with the non-corporate people. I just got to act a little reckless. As with all young adults these days. "Well, I hated the job. So I left." "Nah, I wanted to take a break". "They weren't paying me very well...and it was stressful. So I took off." There. They are satisfied. Or they pretended to be satisfied. Enough to keep them from pestering me further.

It's those people in the large corporations that I needed the extra effort to explain myself. "What have you been doing all this time that you are unemployed?" "Why are you so confident that you could obtain another employment in such a short time?" "How did you survived, since you have no income?" "How did you upgrade yourself within the profession, since you have not been updated for the past months?"

I got fed-up answering them after a while. No. I actually got fed-up with the way society perceive unemployed people. It's like being a criminal. Being judged negatively. Is it so wrong to be unemployed? It's not like I wanted to stay unemployed for the rest of my life. This is just temporarily. Even if it's the case, who the hell are you to tell me that I can't? Malaysians are somewhat narrow minded. If you have no job, then you are doomed. How are you going to continue living?

Do bear in mind that in the west, this is a common phenomenon. It's not an unusual thing for professionals to take a year off to participate in volunteer projects or to learn a new skill. Mind you, it's professionals! A year off! I'm only off a few months and all the hassle has crept up. Just because this is unheard off here doesn't mean it's not been done before. And it's not wrong! Definitely not!

I was upset with all the comments before. But now, I've decided to let them all pass. No point arguing. No point trying to make them all see otherwise. I know I'm not in the wrong. The job didn't suit and I'm looking for the one that does. Simple as that. Nothing so complicated. I'm not worried either so I don't need you to worry on my behalf.

I don't intend to rush into things, so I'm taking my time in deciding. Yea, I've been labelled as fussy. But hey, this is my life man. Of course I choose the best for myself. Wouldn't you do the same? So quit coming to me every other day and go, "Hey, still no job yet?"

Spare me.

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Bored to the bones

It's already 4 months! I have initially allowed myself 1 month. The max 2. But look at where am I now. Still at home, reading books of 600 pages each week along with hot hot strawberry teas. Borders have become my most frequent hangout. Although it's been pretty cool to wake up at 11am each day and laze on the couch with my books in tow, it can be pretty daunting waiting for the phone to ring, with good news on the other end.

To keep myself from thinking yang bermacam-macam, I have come up with bermacam-macam ideas to keep myself occupied:


1) Join Amazing Race Asia
2) Participate in Miss Astro Chinese International
3) Help out at a fried chicken stall
4) Tryout for Air Asia cabin crew
5) Become a personal assistant to some local celebrity
6) Turn my blog into a money making machine

Although I'm more in favour of the last idea, but nah, it's not going to work when there are thousands of other bloggers out there competing to be the next Kenny Sia. If I had thought about that 10 years ago, it would be an entirely different story. But now, all you need to do is learn ABC, write something about your pet goldfish or the frog by the pond and you'll be featured on Nuffnang. I'll pass.

And yeah, they are just ideas. None to be put into action. So, I guess I shall just get back to my books then. And pray that the phone will ring real soon.

Wish me luck!

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An unblissful marriage

She made a wrong decision.

Looking back 30 years ago, she knew she shouldn't have walked down that aisle. She had been pretty then. Long dark hair, smooth fair skin, shy and demure. But age was catching up. She had rejected a marriage proposal from a merchant a couple of years back as she thought she was of no match to him. He came from the city and highly educated. She grew up in a small rural town with not much education. She had looked down on herself.

She finally settled for this man who went after her. He was not really her type. He was a layman who was brought up without much parental guidance. He didn't have the charms nor the personality that she preferred in a life long partner. But he had treated her well. He had treated her with respect. And he was a responsible man. So she gave him her hand to marriage. It seemed to be the only choice she had if she didn't want to be laughed at for still being single at 30.

She had had her expectations of him. She had had her demands. It was the only way she'd feel that the marriage was worth it. She wanted to make sure she didn't make the wrong move. She wanted something to boast back to the relatives. She wanted to be looked up upon. She didn't liked his family, so they bought a decent home in the city and moved in. She wanted him to work up the career ladder. But he was not an ambitious man. He'd rather spend time with the boys over soccer. She was furious with him when he didn't take that promotion which could provide them a better life. She was furious whenever he was back late with liquor stench all over him.

She had a little tinge of regret. Maybe it was really a wrong move. But she couldn't bear the thought of a divorce. She needed a man to rely on. And no one would want a married woman. She couldn't bear the sight of society looking down on her. A little hope came when her baby girl arrived. She could put all her expectations on this baby to make her proud. She would nourish this girl to be what she couldn't be herself. She named her Ann.

Things got alot better with the birth of Ann. She got all the attention she desired. Her baby girl had been adorable. Everyone was of praise to her. Even her husband had changed. He'd quit his night out with the boys. He'd quit drinking. He turned into a doting daddy to Ann. He worked hard to provide for the family. He finally got that much desired promotion. They bought a more spacious vehicle. Ann was everything to them now. She could see her life getting some where.

Her little girl grew up bubbly and healthy. She was a pretty little thing, resembled so much of her. She wanted the best for Ann. She got her into an expensive private school. Enrolled her into piano, ballet and arts. Hired a nanny to care for her every need. She watched her baby every step of the way. She would grow up to be successful. Her baby would make her proud one day. And she did. Ann scored the perfect grades in school. Got a scholarship to study law. Active in sports. And all the while, sweet and obedient.

She hadn't plan for this one day to come. Her husband quit his job out of rage. He had stayed at home since. Watching sports on ESPN all day. She had blamed him for causing their savings to run dry. She was furious at him for not taking any initiatives to get another job. She got mad when he didn't help with house chores after they let go of the nanny. She had to continue to work to support the family even though she had planned to retire in a year's time. She threw her tempers at him. Calling him a useless rat who depended on her when it should be otherwise. She'd slam the doors. Gave him the cold shoulder. Talked to him in a rude way. She complained to Ann, saying that she was disgusted with him. And that she was fed-up. She hadn't want to put up with him any longer. Ann had remained silent each time.

Ann had came up to her one fine morning. Ann had told her she didn't want to practise law anymore. She wanted to pursue further with arts instead, her true interest. She had screamed in her daughter's face, "What is in your head? How could you throw off everything? Art is useless. It's only good for a hobby. You can't survive with it!". Ann had been insistent. She felt her world came tumbling down. Ann had already dropped law way before. She didn't ask for her permission, she was merely informing her. How could her sweetie do this? All her hopes were gone. All her efforts all these years gone. All gone. Why is all this happening? Can't both of them see the rational behind her plans? It was for their own good.

An ambulance was called up. She had fainted. They'd rushed her to the hospital. Ann had given her another heart breaking news. It was all too much for her. She wouldn't be that mother-in-law that she'd dreamed of. She wouldn't be the grandma that she'd desired. Ann had persistently informed her another time that she wouldn't want to be married. Ann loved her single life and she would spend her days travelling around, while indulging in her arts. "Are you nuts? You are a girl. You need to be married and have a family. You don't want to be a spinster!" "No mum!", Ann had yelled back. "Everything is what you wanted it to be. I never wanted to be married. Just like I never wanted to study law! It was all for you. Not mine!" Ann had stormed out of the house. Her baby had screamed at her. It was all too much to bear.

Ann looked at her mum on the hospital bed. She saw the wrinkles and the worn out face. Her mum had lost weight. She knew her mum had worked hard. She knew her mum had tried to fix everything. She knew that her mum hadn't been entirely satisfied with the family. Her mum had thought she could deserve better from the very start. She knew her mum had regretted walking down the aisle with her dad. He was not the guy she really fell in love with. Although he had, most of the time, did everything he could to keep her happy. She was too absorbed by her own emotions that she failed to realise that her family were humans too. They have their own desires and dreams. They couldn't do what she had wanted all the time. She kept focusing on their weakness that she turned a blind eye to the strengths in them. At least her dad did not cheat on her. He didn't abuse the family. He was there for her whenever she needed him. Yes, he was lazy but it was not really a serious crime. He had fix the leaking tap all the time. He had meddle with the fuis box. He had fix her car when ever it broke down. He drew up their insurance plans. Didn't all these count?

Ann hadn't try to break her mum's heart. She didn't want to argue with her either. She wanted to succeed in her own way. In a way that she was happy. Not by others doing. Her mum had failed to see this. She had never been able to talk to her mum. Everytime she wanted to ask for an advise or a support, her mum had put her down. Her mum had always instructed rather than adviced. She didn't think her mum understood her at all. She never did anything wrong. She was never into drugs. She never dropped out of school. Her grades had been one of the best. She didn't fool around. Like the way with her dad, her mum was never satisfied. No matter how good they were, her mum was never satisfied.

She had given up all hope. Everything was not what she wanted it to be. She felt like nothing is hers any longer. She doesn't look at her husband anymore. She doesn't talk much to Ann anymore. They can go their own ways. She will go hers. They can do what ever they wanted. She won't step out of the house that often. She's afraid the neighbours might gossip and she had nothing fancy to boast about her family. She's ashamed of the family. She will do her part. She will no longer bother about the rest. Her husband can continue to watch ESPN till the day he dies. Ann can go where ever she wishes. Just that she won't be supporting her from now on. It's the way it's going to be now.

She deeply regretted ever getting married to him. If only she had more guts back then to agree to that city merchant. Her life would have been great. She heard he had migrated, with a business empire that would last for the next 50 decades. She had the chance to be rich and happy. She had blew it all away. And now she was stuck in this unblissful place. A place where she didn't really want to be.

She had only made that one wrong decision.......

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Ridiculous news feeds

I find it very amusing when ever I log in to Facebook. Scrolling down the News Feeds would make me go "Oh what the heck?"

Although it is pretty normal to lay out your thoughts on your profile, I don't see a reason why certain people ought to spell out their daily lives for the entire world to see.

I'm okay if you want your friends to share your ups and downs. "Just got that promotion" or "Got into an accident yesterday" or "What have you been up to lately?" or "Had an awesome evening" or "In deep disappointment". Something along those lines. These statements would garnered concerns, or words of praise or simply the "Like" sign.

But when people put up, "Cooking prawn mee for hubby tonight" or "Waiting for mum for dinner" or "Oh no, my boy friend is not home yet" or "Still have not taken my bath" or "Going to the zoo later", I start to scratch my head. Then there comes the comments, "You are cooking prawn mee? How sweet~~What ingredients did you use?" And the next 20 comments would be all about prawns, pepper and salt. C'mon!

Facebook is all about keeping in touch with family and friends and to post updates on any special occassions or events. But please, not until that extent that you want to update your friends on your activities every other minute. Please keep certain private matters, private. Not everyone is interested to know whether your boy friend is home or not.

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Crossroads

Life has been pretty much mapped out before this. At least, I knew where I was headed. Get into a good school. Score the best possible grades. Get into a reputable firm until I attained that membership status which would secure my career for the rest of my life.

I've done all that. I got what I wanted. I did what I was supposed to do. And now, I'm stuck here, in the middle of this huge crossroad, unable to proceed into the appropriate direction. Unable to take a step. I left my reputable firm knowing that it wouldn't be a problem for me to venture on further. Three months down the road and I'm still here, undecided, weighing all the possible options. And I tell you, the options are aplenty.

Being young and without commitments, the world would really be at your feet. You've got nothing to loose, maybe, other than, time. But even then, it so darn difficult to make this one decision which you think would be the best. I have been hopping around, changing my mind numerous times and ended up no where. People asked, "What do you really want?" I have no absolute answer to that. 

Each person has their two-cents worth of opinions when ever I asked for one. The more I hear, the more options being laid, the more I'm stuck at this very same spot. Non-moving. Yes, yes. I could take this route into commercial companies. Yes, yes. I could take this route into banking. Yes, yes. I could take this route into internal audit. Yes, yes. I could take this route into consultancy. Yes, yes. I could take this route into overseas postments. Yes, yes. I could take some time off to continue with MBA. Yes, yes. I could take this route of holiday visas. Yes, yes. I could take the route back to audit. They say by taking up accountancy, you'd have a wide variety of options to choose from. Indeed. Too many, I would say.

A little conversation with a local journalist had made the matter worse. I was being advised to follow my heart on my childhood ambition. Yes, yes. So now there is another option whereby I could ditch accounting once and for all and pursue a different field. A field which has not a very promising future. A field which I would need to start afresh and let go everything that I have accomplished so far.

And then there are peer pressures and pressures from society which couldn't be avoided. People tend to think negatively when they see you jobless. They start comparing in terms of status, in terms of wages, in terms of professions, in terms of benefits and all else in between. "Huh? You are still not working?" "Is there something wrong with her?" No matter how many times you tell yourself that your life is yours and it has got nothing to do with them, you'd still have the urge to excel and provide them a satisfactory explaination sooner or later.

Along the way came a warning. A warning from a seer that told me not to expect the expected from my chosen path. A warning that couldn't be ignored when my past and my present has been foretold in accuracy. Great! So I couldn't just accept that high paying offer cause it might not be high paying in the end. Or I should try the road less taken for it might turn out to be 'the one'.

Maybe I ought to go to the temple more often then maybe God would show me the way. But the thing is I'm not really a religious person. So this way wouldn't work. Perhaps I should just flip a coin? Or perhaps I could stare at the ceiling then maybe light will lead me the way...

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Ex-EY : Reunited

Ahh...my EY gang. Those fond memories.

 Doing what we do best.

Wonder how many more weddings does it take for all of us to get together again.

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Cheapskate but not kiasu

I like Gene's phrase. It's like being kedekut but not in an embarrassing way.

There is nothing wrong in being stingy alittle. After all, we are talking about money. It's a natural reaction to want to keep your own money deep inside your pockets. So, when there's an opportunity to spend less for the same amount of things, it is natural to do so. But please lah, don't do it in an embarrassing way. Mensia-suihkan, as they say.

There was this food promotion. You get a certain percentage off the regular menu for a certain period of time. So, it's no surprise that you see a very long queue at the diner's door. It's not wrong to be in the queue, even though you did not, for once, dine in there before. Everyone wants to try something new right? Right. So I was in that queue.

But, I'd like to say that I wasn't kiasu. Yes, I know that it's a bargain that couldn't be missed. And unlike most people, I didn't bring the whole kampung with me. And together with the next kampung as well. Making the queue miles long. And I didn't barge right in front of the reception with my 2 kampungs of people as if I haven't eaten in days. I didn't cut queues nor did I hog on to the menu for as long as I want. I have maintained my cool and didn't raise my temper to the waiters just because I have been lining up for half an hour. 

Yes, I am cheapskate but definitely not kiasu.

Man! It's utmost embarrasing to be in the same queue as them...

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