No one

With what I am today, I felt inferior. Small. Useless. Invinsible. I don't have what it takes to do my job. I don't have what it takes to be a person. I don't have what it takes to be a friend. I don't have what is takes to be a daughter. I don't have what it takes to be anyone. I felt like I was nothing. Someone of no importance at all. It can go on with or without me. Doesn't really make a difference there.

I lost it. I turned my inferiority to dissatisfactions. I turned dissatisfactions to anger. I got mad at all. I showed my temper at my colleagues. I barked at them. I minimised all communications with them. I didn't pick up calls from friends. I didn't reply messages. I slacked at work. I was only clustered with thoughts of what a sad case I am in this world. It was tough to get by the day. Anger is a tiring thing. I broke down by the end of it. I tried to hold it back. It's not nice to have 10 pairs of eyes staring back. But it wouldn't stop. I so wish to hold on tight to someone and just let it flow. And yea. I got a virtual one instead. Dearie, that's not going to help lah...

It's painful. It hurts to know that you don't fit in. That you don't belong. That you are merely just an outcast. Someone actually did noticed the tears. I didn't know how to explain when she asked what was the matter. But I did appreciate the concern...

I still need a tight hug......

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Losing it

Times have certainly change. I've seen numerous taglines which read, "It's not the same anymore". Didn't quite get the real picture of it then. Cause everything was the same to me. Untill I experienced it for myself did I really understood what does it means now.

The whole day today had been wet and cold. Rain didn't stop pouring since morning. And it is because of this that I stayed at home the entire day. Doing absolutely nothing useful. Really nothing. Lazed in bed. Rolled under the sheets. Skipped lunch. Nothing interesting was on TV, so I shut it off after 1 hour of switching channels. Picked up my novel but didn't complete a chapter. Went online, but found out that there was nothing in particular that I needed to do there, so I went offline. Remembered that I had some unfinished work to do, but felt too lazy to even switch on my laptop, so I ditched the idea of it. Wanted to help out with house chores but mum said she'll take care of it, so I was left with not much to do.

Little did I know, time just went on like that. It will be mid night soon. Another day has gone by. I sit here now wondering if this is a life that I want it to be. Without purpose. Without direction. It had never bothered me before. I had enjoy the comfortability and perfectness of my life all these while. As I mentioned, times are changing. How I lead my life currently no longer satisfy my needs of it. I wanted other things. Better things. Different things. Things, I realised, were "bestowed" to others rather than to myself. I look around with envy that some people I know are doing the things that I had thought of doing. Only never been given the chance. Some people are experiencing life that I longed to have. Only never been given the opportunity. Wise men always say, "Opportunities need to be earned. It won't drop from the sky." I guess I'm just not lucky enough. And the big question is, WHY?

I look back all these years and realised I've never did anything particularly amazing. Life given to me had sort of been wasted. No proud acheivements. No wonderful experiences. No interesting events. Lame one. If someone were to ask me what I did all throughout my life, I guess I would have a hard time answering him. Or maybe I would just walk away. Embarrassed. I know it's time to make a difference. I lack the motivation and the courage to do so. It's all my own fault actually. I wanted something and yet didn't make enough effort to go for it. I waited. And waited. All I've been doing is waiting. Waiting for what exactly? I do not know. And I would still continue this waiting. Till eternity.

I seriously enjoy writing. It's been a flair that came at a very young age. I do not dare say that I'm good at it. I have known people that can write even better. It's just something that I enjoy doing. It gives me pleasure. But other than the little space I have here, I don't think I will ever bring this pleasure of mine to a higher level.

Being a hermit does does things to your head.

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Childhood memories

These mails have been circulating at work lately. Those "80's babies" kinda of thing. It brought back my childhood days which were gradually being pushed to the back of my head. Not purposely. But as time goes by, it does happen.

I reckon all are familiar with these pictures. So no further explanations needed. If you are born in the 80's, then you'd know.

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The break of every make

This line just pop up. Came out of no where. Kinda true. It has always been a fact that what ever being made will be broken. I would like to find an exception to that but nothing has proved me wrong so far. All the on-goings around me have just strengthen the fact further.

I was working late yesterday. I turned around and looked at my fellow colleagues. I turned my attention to the few resignees who are due to leave at the end of the month. My mind can't help but flashes back to the time we met. To the times we worked together. To the times we played. To the times we stressed out. To the times we helped each other out. Then it flashes forward where they would no longer be around. The space they had taken all these while would be empty. No longer will I see them coming through the glass door. No longer will I see them fussing at the printer. No longer will I see them carrying tonnes of files, searching for a seat. No longer will I chill with them during work hours. Time has passed real darn fast. I don't think I'd be able to hang out with them one last time, doing the things we used to do.

My attention then drifted to my current colleagues who were hogging on to their screens, looking at some complicated worksheets. I wonder how long can we sustain the relationship we currently enjoy? How long more before some one spills the decision that they are leaving as well? It's sad to think about it. I ended up packing and headed home. Not wanting to think about the people seated at the hotdesking, both current and soon-to-be past.

It never left my mind. I don't think it ever will. You can't just erase the people who had been in your life. No matter how short a period you knew each other. No matter how far they went away. No matter how long you lose contact. They stay. And in the end, you'll end up missing them. You'd wonder if they are well? If they are all right with where they are? You'd be glad that you've crossed paths with them. At least, once in this life time.

You make something. It breaks. That's when you start treasuring.

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Sick of people...

Why can't people just leave me alone? Why do they have to come messing around with my life? And what does my life got to do with them anyway? It's MY LIFE! MY CHOICES! MY DECISIONS! When in the world do they have any right to tell me what to do? To tell me how I should lead my life?

Just because certain people wants a perfect life doesn't mean I want one to. I am contented with what I have. I am happy with all that I owned. So what if I'm flawed a little? You dare tell me that you are all that perfect? That you don't have weaknesses? That YOUR life is THAT perfect that you can come telling other people to live the way you do? Well, I certainly do not want your life!

I had a happy childhood. I have family. I have friends. I had a sound education. I got myself a stable job. I'm in the pink of health. I have no money issues. I have fun on and off. I'm glad for all that. I don't ask for more. I already got MY ALL! So what if I lose out a little here and there? So what if I am not comparable to certain people of my age? It doesn't bother me one bit. Why does it even matter to you? Why did it even spark sympathy from you? Do I look very pitiful?

I certainly know where I stand. I can't be sure what the future lies for me but I can roughly guess where it's heading. You think you know my life better than I do? Who the hell do you think you are? Is it just so wrong? You need to wake up and smell the 21st century. Things are certainly not the way it is anymore. There's no such thing as a perfect world.

A whole bunch of people would be able to tell you that the world is indeed unfair. No matter how many "whys" you ask. You'd get the same answer. It is unfair. There's not much you can do about it. I recognise that. That's why I don't whine anymore. I'd rather take the unfairness and turn it into something which I think would be fair to myself. I make compensations. "When a door closes, a window opens." I learn to see things in a different light. Why make life so difficult? You only got this ONE life! There's no repeating of every minute that passes. And it sure does passes real darn fast. To sit and dwell on the misfortunes, I think I choose to count my blessings instead. To make the most out of life is the best way to lead it. I don't need to own every single thing to acheive that. Life is not a destination. It is a journey. One to enjoy along the way.

So why can't you just let me be? I am enjoying life. I am making the most out of it. I am happy for who I am. For what I am. Don't come telling me that it's wrong. That everything is a mistake. I totally disagree with that. I know I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't do anything illegal. So, just let me be and get the hell away. You don't even have the right to say anything about me at all! Shut the hell up as well!

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A tribute to a good friend

He, stole my blog website and then came screwing me for not posting anything about him on my page. Well, dear Kenny, I shall dedicate one full entry on you now. You can thank me later on.

He was sort of invinsible at first. I have never noticed him during my first few months as a newbie. It all started during that trip to Bangkok where he was trying to hit on a friend of mine, in an airplane! Boy, I still remember how loud you've been. The rest, as they say, is history.

We 'formed' a gang at work. Like a mob. Hah! People knew us as "Kenny's gang". Now since when did we agreed on electing you as the leader? Nevertheless, the gang continued. And people recognised us based on that. We became usual companions for lunches and dinners. It then extended to suppers, outings, drinks, trips and what-so-ever.

He, is someone so very full of stories. Full of issues. Full of exaggerations. Full of crap. A drama king. If you are ever a writer, I guess you'd never be out of materials to publish. Lost wallets, lost phones, car accidents, misplaced keys, break-ups, hospitalisation, arguments, emergencies, hard feelings...One pretty messed up life. Every other week, he'll have some story to share. And each time he'll go, "Do you know how serious it is ah?" "Yes. Yes. Your everything is always very serious..." Sometimes, you'd wonder if you should believe the whole thing or only part of it. =P

Actually, now I know why he is deemed leader. Cause all of us have to put up with his requets. For fear that the sensitive side of him would erupt. Yes, he is definitely one sensitive young man. Admit it! He was in a bad mood. He called for a drink at mid-night. Yes, boss. You have to come out. He has an emergency outstation. He wanted some company. Yes, boss. You have to go along. He asked you for dinner. He asked you on what to eat. You tell him so. He said no, he wanted something else. Yes, boss. What ever you say. He didn't see you for a while. When he finally does, instead of a "How you've been?", he went, "Eh, pinjam phone. Emergency". Yes, boss. You can have it for as long as you wish. He wanted Secret Recipe. You went along. At the end of it, he says, "Eh, today no money. Pay for me first". Yes, boss. You can repay me back next year. He agreed to pick you up. You called when he didn't show up after half an hour. He said he'll be an hour late without any reason. Yes, boss. You can wait forever. If you don't comply, he'll end up sulking in some corner and wouldn't even say hello when you pass by. That's Kenny for you.

This week marks his last days with the firm. And next week, he'll be totally out of town. I am still waiting for that personalised farewell mail that he promised. Lets see what's his last words are. It is with mixed feelings to see him go. On one hand, we would no longer have to put up with his erratic behaviour. On the other hand, hate to say it, but I will surely miss you.

Gone will be your donkeys, monkeys and chickens...Gone will be your companionships late at nights and on weekends...Gone will be your "Staying late ar? Dinner?"...Gone will be your "Eh, pinjam tag..." Gone will be you fooling around at work...Gone will be you invading my laptop...Gone will be you coming in late and asking for lunch at 11 in the morning...Gone will be you asking for clubbings...Gone will be your all-famous Shakira moves...Gone will be you sneaking up behind me... Gone will be all the heart-to-heart talks...Gone will be your "from the bottom of my xxx" ....

It has been 2 years. And it was indeed a pleasure getting to know your acquaintance. You leaving would be a loss. But still, all the best for your chosen path. Hope you find happiness and the life that you seek. Take good care of yourself. Do keep in touch. Errr, I think that is going to be a problem. Since not many has been able to be in touch with you. No. Since NOBODY has been able to be in touch with you. (Ahem! Faham-faham lah)

So long, friend...

Farewell...
Till we meet again....

*Isn't he just charming? WAHAHHAHA!*

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Loving night views

My fascination for night views have never failed to cease. I find bright coloured lights paired with the dark sky is something to be amazed of. It gives a form of pleasure. It's something worth living to see. It's something worth remembering. Each different location gives you a different view. And all of them have been oh-so captivating. =P

I just love 'em all!

*The Twin Towers from Skybar*

*Some cottage at The Peak*

*Backed by Hong Kong Island*

*Hong Kong city*

*At the very top of The Peak*

*KL city from Look-out Point*

*Back-ing KL city*

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When ducks talk to chickens...

....they end up like this.

This is what happens when people with accounting qualifications talk to their IT counterparts. I don't get what you are explaining. You don't understand what I want. So how?

So, they shall just continue being ducks and chickens.

Now who are the ducks and who are the chickens?

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Clouded...

You have been wrong. The heart is not hardened. It’s always been delicate. It will always be. I am still not right. I’m sorry D, I can’t be strong. Certain things are much easier said than done. “Always think on the bright side”. “Choose to live happy” etc etc. They don’t seem to take any effects.

I am still clouded. Maybe you are fed up of this. So I suggest you stop reading further. I lay in bed each night, thinking , “Was it right to do what I did?” “Was it right to withhold something that I should do?” “Was it right to feel what I felt?” “Was it right to say the words I said?” “Was it right to not say the words that should have been said?” Guilty on all sides. Regretful of which ever action taken. The more I think, the more confused I got. The more I try to rationalize, the more mixed up I become.

I do things that I'm not too sure if it's right. Along the way, I messed up. People got hurt. People got disappointed. People changed their impressions of me. I didn't know where to say "I'm sorry". I let it be. Hoping that they would understand. Hoping that they would understand the lost soul in me. But it doesn't work that way anymore. I left wounds unattended. It usually swells. And the pain grows even more.

There are hundreds of times when I so feel like buzzing someone to spill. I needed someone to talk to. But my girl is all the way in London. The rest...would they understand? Would they get what I am going through? Would they be able tell me what to do? I wish that something would just knock me hard on the head so that I can erase all these stupid crap from me. Or knock me hard enough so that I don’t have to wake up to deal with all of them.

Do me a little favour. Look at me. Tell me what you see in return.

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"Swelling" not subsided

I messaged Lin jie at 3 this morning. Surprisingly, she replied me. She called back today asking if anything was wrong. Yes. Everything seems to be wrong. I didn't know where to start. I didn't know what to tell her. I don't feel all right. I've not been all right ever since Michelle left a week ago. Everything doesn't seem to be going well after that. I needed people to talk to. I needed to see someone. I'm still stuck here, nowhere. Doing....nothing. I don't know what I'm doing. My mind has been clouded with so many thoughts. So many confusing thoughts.

I look around. I see people. I don't see people. I hear people. I don't hear people. I absorbed the neccesary to get me going everyday and allow the rest of me to drift away in thoughts of nothing. I'm like floating. Floating....floating...

It's getting harder to breathe. It's getting harder to see. It's getting harder to think straight. I'm not well. Mentally not well....
Emotionally unstable....

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Out in the open sea

As the night turned still, as the lights dimmed, with only the sounds of the ceiling fan and the music playing from the laptop, I sank into deep thoughts. Wondering why is everything the way it is. Were they all laid out? Can there be anything different?

Look at the time. My MSN buddies keep pushing me to bed. I want to sleep it all away too. To lay in some dream where everything seemed to be perfect. But I'm not asking for a perfect life. I'm just asking for certain needs of mine to be satisfied. Is that so much to ask?

Life is damn difficult. What ever you do, surely something will go wrong. Something to feel guilty about. If I do this, others might think the negative of me. If I don't do it, I'll regret for not following my heart.

Swimming in the open sea.
With no sight of land.
Exhausted.
Waiting for that life boat that might never come.
Waiting....
Waiting....
Waiting....
Time to stop swimming....

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"A whole new world"

A week has past. And I longed to jump back on that plane that flew me all the way to Disneyland. Man, I couldn't get my mind off that wagging Pluto. It's just so adorable!




The trip was, well, sort of came in a rush. We felt like taking a break. We got tired of local places of interests. Hong Kong seems to be the place that we could afford. So, we set a date and off we went. Mana tau, a typhoon hit the island. And we nearly got blown away. Nah...we just got to experience real strong wind. And the fear that comes with it. Something you couldn't get here.

I'd never walked so much. I'd never rode on MTR that many times. I'd never ran in the rain all day. I'd never posed so many times to get that perfect shot. I'd never been woken up so many times due to someone's unattended alarm. My trip had been dead tiring.

Even then, one week is definitely not enough. I didn't get to go to Ocean Park. I still want to hang around Disneyland. I've not tried few local delicacies. I'm not done with the shoppings. Alot more pictures which we didn't snap. So many things that we didn't do! Another round people?

I believe pictures are worth a thousand words. Here's our story:

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Michelle...missing you already

I really hate goodbyes.

My girl left for London this morning. Not too sure if she could adapt to the environment there. I certainly couldn't. I couldn't accept the fact that she is no longer here. I mean, c'mon...She's been with me for the past 10 years. Close and supportive.

Like any other Sunday, I woke up this morning feeling bored. I picked up the phone, thinking of calling her for window shopping, when I realised that she's already on the plane, a few hundred feet in the air. Old habits die hard. I wonder if I would still call her in the middle of the night, when I couldn't sleep.

Her dream of studying overseas have finally came true. I am happy for her. Girl, you better make the most of everything you can there. Take care of yourself, alright?

Miss you.

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Transcript

"She sense-ed that he was near. She turned around. Her intuition had been right. She was just in time to see him walk towards the door. With his back pack on his shoulder. He didn't notice. She wondered what was on his mind. He checked his watch, opened the door and headed out. "He was in a rush." As the door slowly closes, with his shadow still lingers, she knew this time that he wouldn't be back. Even if for the slight chances that he did, it would no longer be the same. The proximity that they shared all these while will disolve into memories of dust. As if it mattered to him. As if she mattered to him. Still, she was glad to have this one closed up look at him. She definitely will miss all those times they had. People do need to move on. That's something she will need to understand. She just didn't like the idea of her being the one who was left behind... "

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Rumour rumour...

I had thought that the matter had been laid to rest. But, apparently, it was not. It was brought up again just this evening. I knew exactly what gave rise to the misconception. It was actually all innocent play. People just needed something to talk about. I don't blame them.

I did my part in denying. It was not something bad. It was not something good either. People just didn't buy my explainations. Maybe I don't sound convincing enough. Can the other party(s) please don't remain silent? I need help here. I bet the other party(s) didn't even know what is going on. But the allegation is untrue. Not everything is what it seems to be.

The fire will die out. With time I hope. If you are observant enough, you'll get what I'm writing about.

(Reminds me of Mr Marcus. A lecturer of mine during my college days. Whenever he wanted to start a story, he'll go "rumour..rumour...")

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