Merdeka Eve

this is gonna be harsh...and i guess it'll hurt...

got a call to celebrate our independence day...after taking in all the neccesary concerns, i decided to turn up... i was trying to give it another shot...to see if things will turn better...

i headed out to pyramid after work only to get stuck in an hr of jam...all along the way, i kept thinking that it will be worthy to get in touch with them...but in that hr of jam on my way home juz now, i felt like crying and i felt like dying...nothing has changed...

u kept saying u missed me, u kept saying u wanted to see me, u kept saying u'll alwiz be there for me, u kept saying u didnt wanna see me unhappy, u kept saying u really meant all that u had said....but y did u still have to hurt me the way u did? outings were made without me. as usual. conversations were all about stuffs revolving u ppl...places u all went, things u all did, jokes u all said, wateva...nothing involved me as i was not a part of them...i felt like a total idiot and a total outcast sitting there...was really wondering what the heck was i there for...when i had wasted my fuel, my time and my energy juz to be there...one question, am i really considered a friend? am i really part of the gang? am i really a burden becoz i happen to live real far?

was i genuinely happy or was i juz faking it when i laughed? im not so sure...and then someone asked "will it be dangerous for u to drive back home alone later?" i appreciate the concern but wat's the point of juz asking? dota will alwiz be more important.....coming to think of it, when did anyone offered to escort me home after midnite yah? i dun think it ever crossed their minds...and i suppose tonite's the only nite where someone did called to see if i had reached home safely...i had lost count of the number of times i spent hanging out with them till late at nite...and each time it was miles and miles away from home...

i avoided calls and messages from u ppl the last few days...was being childish, i noe...but wat the heck...i was really hurt and upset...had missed u all damn bad and for all i noe later, u guys when out without me...and this was not the first time...wat am i to u all yah? a spare tyre? suka then call, tak suka then no need to call? i din noe i was this worthless........

i made a mistake in decision tonite....i shud have diverted my time to my other mates when they called....at least i can enjoy myself at the pool table..and to feel alot more 'safer' among them...instead of being all 'torn' and 'tatterred' before bed now...

and yah, Happy Merdeka! lack the spirit...lack the mood...merdeka was not the same as it used to be...

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Shattered

damn!....i've juz felt good about myself...beginning to see things in a more positive way...not to worry too much... do the things dat i felt like doing...call the ppl i felt like calling...juz be myself and carry on with life....and be contented with it...

and then out came this word from my senior and the whole beautiful scenario above shattered in a matter of minutes...damn! i shudnt have listened to wat he was saying...but i was being a busybody...he HAD to keep reminding us dat an auditor's job is a crap profession...with no dignity and freedom...wer no one client is appreciative of ur efforts...and dat the managers keep rushing u for deadlines... u work round the clock and no one gives a hoot about u....gosh! i really did wanna noe y did he stayed on then...he complains, complains, complains...and i was real sick about it....in the end i ignored him...but not really everything he said...

so here i am....still thinking if wat he said was really true...or was he being pessimistic? he really brought down my mood ...y did he have to make everyone frown?...ish!!! and im stuck working with him for the next few weeks...die la liddat...stress betul being around him...y cant some ppl see things in a more positive light? wat's the meaning of life liddat?

hmm...yah, ive finally found a way to light up my spirits when im down...meet ppl! dun care if it's a close fren or juz a hi-bye one....dun care if it's a pre-arrangement gathering or one out of coincidence...i juz need to see familiar faces...even juz for dat few minutes... u never noe wat effect it will have on me... so ppl, if u ever see my name appearing on ur cell's screen...please do come out alrite? ur in need!

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Days...Juz like dat

second by second...minute by minute...hour by hour...day by day...week by week...

wud wait for friday each passing week....reason? wud b d same as most ppl...no work the next day!...i get to bring out the kid in me....yayyy!!! be relieved of all the troubles at work...no manager to report to....no issues to think about...no worksheets to stare at....nothing...juz me, myself and my 2 off days....all mine! right under my control.......

only 2 days? dun seem sufficient...they came and went easily....whoosh!..juz liddat....all i have to do is wake up late... laze in front of the tv for the next few hours...do some house chores...go out a little....and wa-la...one day gone...and now there is about 2 more hours left to monday, where i have to go back to everything that i left off on friday evening...y cant i wake up to find out everything has been settled for me? arggghhhhhh!!!!

yup...i dread to work these days...im new...too much to adapt...so little time...still dun really click with the ppl there...not very close...dun seem to have a connection...it's like there's a wall in between...i find dat i dun fit in sometimes...dun really get to be me...tired, depressed....coupled with the fact dat there's no one to teman...gosh! feel like finding a hole and bury myself in...

btw, thank u piggy for dragging them down for supper late last nite...it was fun, it was late and my dad didnt complain...hahahhaa....but everyone looked dead tired...

Prince Cafe~~~nice decor, nice "waterfall"...never mind dat the food tasted not so good.... i like dat place!
go there and u'll noe why........

p/s: good luck to all acca candidates...i noe it sounds weird, but im nervous too...

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Life as u want it to be

( I actually got these quotes of someone else's blog...they are actually very logical and motivating...juz tot dat i'd put them up to remind myself of how to handle life when times are not too good...)

• Activity gets you busy. But productivity gets you results.Activity consumes time. Productivity frees it.
• Stop analyzing life. Just live it. Analysis is what makes it complicated. Your today is the tomorrow that you worried about yesterday. You are worrying because you are analyzing. Worrying has become your habit. That's why you are not happy.
• Uncertainty is inevitable, but worrying is optional. Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.
• Diamond cannot be polished without friction. Gold cannot be purified without fire. Good people go through trials, but don't suffer. With that experience their life becomes better, not bitter.
• Problems are Purposeful Roadblocks Offering Beneficial Lessons to Enhance Mental Strength. Inner strength comes from struggle and endurance, not when you are free from problems
• If you look outside you will not know where you are heading. Look inside. Looking outside, you dream. Looking inside, you awaken. Eyes provide sight. Heart provides insight.
• Success is a measure as decided by others. Satisfaction is a measure as decided by you. Knowing the road ahead is more satisfying than knowing you rode ahead. You work with the compass. Let others work with the clock.
• Always look at how far you have come rather than how far you have to go. Always count your blessing, not what you are missing.
• Seek not to find who you are, but to determine who you want to be. Stop looking for a purpose as to why you are here. Create it. Life is not a process of discovery, but a process of creation.
• Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear.
• Keep the faith and drop the fear. Don't believe your doubts and doubt your beliefs. Life is a mystery to solve, not a problem to resolve. Life is wonderful if you know how to live.

(cool huh? life is actually all about choices....u choose to be who u want to be and how u want urself to be)

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Got 'scolded'

got a word from a close friend....she sort of 'scolded' me for 'talking' to the screen more often than to ppl dat cud actually gimme feedbacks to my recent upset-ness....yah, she's d only one dat cud hit u hard in the face..for ur own good...and im glad...lolz....dun worry dear, i will one day spill everything to u all, when there are not so many around...hahahaha...i've finally come to my senses....be relieved!

Kopitiam~~nice decor, nice feel, average beverages, loads of ppl,lousy view ( well, depends which one u go too )

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Loneliness

i read jaesy's blog and one of her recent entries was about loneliness....she came upon this research article dat says loneliness is actually a normal feeling, with most youngsters experiencing it during their college/university years..according to dat research, there's actually nothing wrong with urself if u do feel lonely off and on...it's one of society's norms...i was kinda relieved after reading dat article ...at least i noe, im not the only one... dat is, until today...

i left for work this morning with dark clouds hovering over me... i have not left yesterday's issue completely... i got a slight feeling dat i was being alienated at home... maybe im alienating myself...i din talk much the entire day.. my mood was down... not much progress in my work... made my senior worried....hahhaha...not for me, but for the tight schedule....

stayed on quite late at client's premises...sort of released my stress at my senior...so sorry for dat...i noe ur even more stressed up....din feel like going home after dat..i was actually around subang area so i called up a fren to lift up some spirits...but she was bz....dating i presume..see wat i mean...who will be there in times of need? din try to call the rest...the girls cant really hang out late at nite...dia n lin jie are no longer there...the guys, nah! they wont show up if im the one dats initiating an outing....so i left my phone alone...afraid to get the same answer dat'll make my already dark day, darker....

contemplated to head out myself...tot of 3 choices...go to hai-lo and let the music drown me....go catch a comedy and laugh all my stress out....or drive to 'tian hou kong' to get some peace...i din go to any in the end...no company...dun wanna look so pathetic being alone....

new job...new environment...new colleagues...im kinda slow in adapting...worried dat i might not click with them... been 'floating' ever since i joined... empty...no place to hang on... coupled with the fact dat most of my closest are 'disappearing'... even more empty....nothing to catch...nothing to lean on.....wat if something goes wrong? who am i suppose to call?

why me?

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Family

alot of dissatisfactions...financial issues...not the same situation anymore...times are getting harder... alot of sighs...alot of worries...worry for all the 'wat ifs'.... i no longer can return home with a care free feeling... i can no longer go home knowing dat mum n dad will take care of everything...i dread going home now... i seem to have to deal with lots of things dat i wanna avoid... they are getting tired... and im not interested to care...i really dun bother...i dun wanna noe...already im sick of my life...i am actually being selfish... i sometimes wonder why i acted the way i did... why havent i have more concern for those closest to me? im mad dat something can actually be done to change the situation..only they didnt want to...all they do is complain, complain, complain... i let them haf it their way.... no matter how i wanna live life my way, i cant do dat now... there's this invisible cord holding me back... and it's rather suffocating sometimes...

it's alwiz our fault... any unfortunate happenings, it's our fault... even if there r things dat we cant control, it has to be our fault too... she's mad at something, for no reason, it's our fault... all the rest of the world is alwiz rite...it's alwiz our character, our fate, our luck, our everything is alwiz in the wrong... she's ashamed of everyone of us.. no matter how good we did, we will alwiz not be good enuf... i dun talk much with her... she kills my dreams... and my optimistic view on life... wat eva i spill to her...she turned it around and everything will be my fault.... yeah, it was my fault too to be born in this world...

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Traffic

Malaysian roads...sigh!...it's the same every wer...no matter wat street, wat highway, wat lorong... they oni have one thing in common...jams! jams! and forever more jams!

i cant seem to understand why izzit happening..there were no accidents, no floods, no fallen trees, no dead stray animals, no holes, no stalled vehicles obstructing the lanes...nothing at all! and yet it's very very common to see one whole long stretch of cars from one end of the highway to the other...it is very frustrating to get caught in dat long stretch only to find out there's actually nothing up front dat caused it... arghhhh!!!

someone plz gimme an explanation as to why the roads MUZ be all jammed up during the mornings n in the evenings? if it's not bad enuf to face all the stress n pressures during the day, i need to deal with heavy traffics too...gosh! cant i, for once, cruise smoothly to my destination? it was so damn sickening to be in my vehicle for like 2 hrs for a 45 mins drive... juz becoz of... nothing!! im sure most ppl has even experienced longer hrs ... even my CD has been repeated for the 2nd time... and there's nothing much u can do in the car either...imagine all the time wasted...

my guess is dat it boils down to the attitudes of the drivers..alto im not a very excellent one myself... but there are a handful of some dat are juz plain idiotic! cant they drive moderately? without being too careful, or too slow, or too dangerously? wat is this with malaysians? be la more civilised on the road...ur not the only one using them...

another guess is all dat ongoing road constructions...they never end...they block this lane and dat lane and then divert u to another road..making a whole big fuss...bukannye its gonna help ease traffic...i dun see any improvement after all dat has been done...really dun get it....wat's the point? and to make matters worst, there are these traffic policemen....friend or foe?

cant anyone do something bout the issue here?

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Patrotism

the month of kemerdekaan...yay! lets celebrate our indepedance....am proud of one thing in our country...alot of very 'semangat' ppl.....

was on my way home juz now...n out came this car zooming very fast from behind...juz a usual proton iswara... but u'll surely wont miss it....n i really take my hat off to the owner...he had a QUARTER of a FLAG POLE bearing the 'jalur gemilang' on d car top...or the car roof...or wateva u call it....my guess is dat he was speeding so dat everyone cud see the flag...we certainly did....hahhaha....n he had another huge one covering his front bonnet...*thumbs up*....wud be more eye catching if he juz wrap the whole vehicle wif the flag...lolz...

dat car somehow tickled my funny bone...i rolled back n laughed so loud the moment it came into view...my colleagues were surprised dat i found it funny....some ppl juz love their country...wat's so amusing? no idea...i juz laughed... :)

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Coffee Bean @ 3

a mutual fren once adviced me to have some personal time for myself at coffee bean...juz to relax and enjoy the environment....i took the advice and got wat he meant...

today's one of the exceptional days dat im off real early..and i didnt wanna head home juz yet...and since coffee bean is around the corner, i decided to try having coffee by myself....it was slightly crowded but no queue at the counter....i had actually wanted to order something cold since i was sweating from the afternoon heat, but for dat few minutes, my brain failed to connect to my mouth...the drink placed in front of me turned out to be a hot cappucino...(shit)...too late to change anyway...

so my plan to sit out at the sidewalk was dropped...i took a small table inside the air-conditioned area and started to observed the ppl around...and day dreamed in between...hehehhe...their music selection matched the mood i was in...with songs ranging from celion dion, christina aguilera, faith hill, leann rimes and brandy... my body was slumped against the chair in a matter of minutes....very comfy...

my observations:
- the waiters were very polite...with "Good afternoon, can i take ur order plz" and "Thank you, have a nice day"...every other minute... rather annoying after a while since they are sort of yelling from behind the counter... there goes my serenity...not polite in a polite way...lolz

- lots of tourists...a few foreign kids were like fighting and daddy immediately uttered something in arabic ( i think, judging from their attire )...n hushed they went, before being whisked away to shop summore...

- a tall, gangly, good looking guy with a back pack walked in....very nice features...hahhaha...he was juz right opposite me la...either he was lost or tired from sight seeing....he ordered something purely white and started to browse thru a KL map...typical tourist....he left quite soon...found his destination and headed for it i suppose...

- a few tables of corporate ppl making business talks....very obvious and coffee bean's a fav place for them too.. men in suits and women in heavy make-ups didnt stop talking with cups of something, a pen in hand and heaps of papers on the table... okay, i exaggerated on the papers part...but u get the picture..

- a couple of youngsters with opened lap tops...either browsing the net or doing homework? usual scene at any coffee outlet...i might try dat too some day...lolz...nah, dun think so la...its too heavy...

- some uncles reading papers or having afternoon tea..oopss..coffee...a couple happily chatting...and a few more ppl stirring their cups and a cigarrete in one hand...

- another tanned and tonned foreigner walked in...cute, styled and with strong biceps...woah... im beggining to enjoy sitting at coffee bean...hahahhaha....

my day dreams stopped after bout an hr when i realised it was getting late...leave later and i'll definitely get stuck in heavy traffic....i wudnt want dat to happen....so there i go, left dat place with a satisfying feeling... i did wat i felt like doing.... :)

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Mesmerising

wat izzit, u wanted to know? well...it's juz the moon... :)

was working late tonite...the sun was already setting by the time i hit the freeway... i looked up and there it was...white, round, big and real bright...one big dot against the dark starless sky...lighting up the space surrounding it....even the clouds gave way to it...not the usual moon u see every other day...u definitely wont miss it if ur on the road tonite... very clear..

i stared at it throughout the journery home...hah, no worries, i was not the one behind the wheel...coupled with some very soothing songs from the stereo...i was deeply lost in my own world...hehehe... as usual, i missed the opportunity to capture this magnificent moment...i seriously need to bring along my camera where ever i go... lolz

the lit up roads and high rise buildings around the city was real captivating too...yea, i noe...im a city folk...not some village girl...never see the city at night before meh?... but am very attracted to the night view of the city lately... expecially from a far off or high place...felt freeeeeee.....

took a spin around the golden triangle juz now and wished i cud juz sit at coffee bean and enjoy the atmosphere there.... so relaxing....with dim lights and good music surrounding me...and a cup of mocha, of course...

but wat is it with city folks la....BB area was full of ppl even at 9 pm... the sidewalks were damn crowded with tourists, working ppl, and even kids....gosh, dun they have school tmr? but BB wont be BB without them...lolz

and yah, ive juz realised something....corals are real amazing too... ive been admiring them these two days... various colours... from pale pink to green to yellow to red and orange...they 'bloom' off and on... they sway in clear water...as if 'dancing' to the current...they even know how to hide when they are 'shy'...hahahhaa...and they make real comfy homes for little 'nemo's....

alritez...need to crash...
till then, toodles!

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Pissed.....

at myself! i dunno whether to call myself too kind..too foolish or juz darn easy going... numerous times have ppl ask me for favours... and if it's within my ability, i'll reluctantly say "yes"... no matter how disadvantaged it was to me...or how unwilling i am...and i dun get anything in return except for dat so slamba "thank u".. not dat i expect something in return anyway...

im caught in between wanting to help others and not go out of my way to do so.. some ppl juz really take u for granted... n their favours are those dat i really so wanna avoid but havent have a heart to do so...i juz din noe how to say no... so i end up feeling all boiled up inside knowing dat im juz helping for nothing...im using my own misery to fulfil someone else's desires...

i wonder if they really needed dat helping hand or was it juz out of convenience...at my expense! if dun help, feel guilty pulak...then how? stuck in the middle...

i guess the only consolation i get are from those clown fishes ( yeapz..little "nemo"s ) inside my client's aquarium... swimming so care-freely....and they swim backwards tho...how cute...

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No longer here...

got a shocking news a few days ago....coming next cny, i will not be able to see my aunt anymore...she had passed away....n the last time i saw her was during last cny...she had been happy then....altho we were not really very close, she was still family...im surely gonna miss her.... after all, ive been seeing her for all the past cny... wud feel wierd without her around....

im no longer a kid..n they are no longer young....they will have to leave sooner or later...already i've lost a few of my uncles and aunts....sad, cud no longer see them....cud no longer greet them...especially grandpa.... like they alwiz say, u wont noe how to treasure until u really lose something.....very true!

all dat's left are memories now....
and memories will one day fade away........

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Continuation

so i switched over from friendster....more closed up here.... more exposed there....hahahha... okay...lets get started!

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