Feeling contented

Too many times that we look at things that we didn't own that we fail to see the things that we actually do.

I have been foolish. I have been looking at my misfortunes so much that I fail to realise the riches that I have. Until something snapped in me that I should feel contented. Indeed I should. When I compare myself to some others, yea, I definitely should feel contented. Well, I don't deny that twist and turns do come come up in life at some point in time. Situations that will make you wished that you were someone else. Someone better.

I have those days as well. You wouldn't want to know how bad it got. Till a point where you really felt that you've got no where to turn to. And that you are lost in a place that you don't really know where.

I guess those days are gone, for the mean time. A sudden realisation got me back on track. I do have some things that others don't. I don't mean to show off but I do feel proud. It make me...me. And I feel lucky to have them. Yea.

At least, that's what I'm feeling right now.

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Disappointments

When your hopes and expectations and desires are failed, that's the worst feeling that you could get. Especially when it comes from someone that mattered a lot. Some one close. It's bad enough to be disappointed, it'll be far worst if you're the one disappointing others. When some one puts faith and hope in you, the last thing you'd want to do is to crush them all. I guess you won't have the heart to even think about it.

Once bitten, twice shy. Never let history repeat itself. Especially if it was a rotten one. I've had my fair share. Sometimes without me realising it. Disappointment is sort of a horrible word. If you know what I mean. But it flashes around everyone's life at one point or the other. You can't escape from it. All you can do is maybe to minimise it's impact. To forgive and to forget. Or rather to give up.

I shall try not to be the cause of it. Who likes to be disappoinetd anyway?

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Rush job

Just look at the clock. Yeap. 3 am. On a Friday morning. Guess what? I am still in office. Lets just say that I am going to hit working 24 hours in a day. What am I still doing here? Well, rush job. Big boss wants to see the results when the sky brightens eventually. Surprisingly, I can still manage to work out my part well enough. Even though I'm practically stoned at the moment. Seeing stars already. I wonder how the hell am I going to get myself back home later. And how the hell more am I going to come back to work later during the day. Lets see if I can do magic tomorrow. I mean, later today.

It has been a tiring week as well. Been travelling to Banting continuosly for the past 4 days. To and fro every single day. And for those that do not know where Banting is, it's some where near Klang. Or rather, before you reach Klang. Around 80 km from home. Another 30 km from KLIA. I now am able to direct you on which ever route you would like to use to get there. Which is the nearest way. Which is the cheapest way. Which is the jam-free way. Done enough 'experiments' to last me an experience. Generally, there's nothing much you get to do there other than the frequent sights of air planes and acres and acres of palm oils. And tonnes of heavy lorries speeding in and out of the trunk roads. Yea, lama-kelamaan, you'll see me hitting 130 km/hr on a 90 km/hr zone.

I am seriously very tired. I might crash right through the next day. Why did I put so much effort in work hah?

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Nail biting (again!!!)

If you look at my nails, they are all gone again. Yea, I'm back to my nail bitting habit. I actually got out of it for quite some time now, but it came back when I have too much on my mind. Even the suggested solution of polishing them failed in its purpose to prevent me from doing so.

Work could be part of the reason. Too much responsibilities, too little time, too little knowledge, too much expectations. I don't work well under pressure. I won't be able to breathe and I can't think properly. But that's the only thing that my boss is 'bestowing' me now. I do try to meet those expectations. Didn't want to disappoint anybody. Guess I'm trying too hard that's its wearing me off.

Went to a friend's wedding this evening. A primary one that is. So, someone my age got married. Happy for her. And definitely happy to meet 'old' friends. But it was sort of wierd you know. As I looked at her on stage with her husband, I thought "Well, this is the person that I've known since I was 9 or 10 and here she is, in a wedding dress, smiling at the cameras and hanging on to her husband. Sooner or later I'll hear that she'll have kids and getting on with life. " I know I know. People grow up. They move on. I'll move on too. I just can't let go just yet. Part of me still want to go back to those days when we had so much fun together. I want to keep those days still.

Sort of just got back from clubbing also anyway. Took my maiden voyage down to Poppy. Just to let loose. But this time was no fun at all. Too many unsightly sights. Everyone was like hanging on to someone. Someone would be there for someone. I was the only odd one out. And it doesn't feel all right. What fun could you possibly have dancing and drinking alone? Speaking of which it doesn't help either. I'm still sober enough to come home and blog about the night. I was suppose to get drunk!

That's part of the reason for my uninvolvement in the Malacca trip as well. I actually do have the heart to go but I know that if I go, I'll end up feeling sorry for myself. There are too many couples around in the clique and it's sometimes hard for me to take it. This whole thing has been making me feeling unwanted and pushed away. I know at times that it was not meant to be but situations are as it is. Yea. I admit. The attentions were not on me. As they say, "I'm one person less and one person more, so what difference does it make?" Sorry for the bad mood thingy. Not bad mood actually. Just too much on my mind.

It was never my intention to be the vulnerable one. The decision came years ago when I fell and took quite some time to stand up again. This time I don't plan to fall again. I don't even know if it's for real. He 'comes' to me on and off. Maybe I was hanging out with him too often. And maybe it's just a casual fling. The only thing that I'm sure off is that I'm glad to see him around. And I'll be disappointed if I don't.

Then there are things with the family which I sort of neglect. Little things which I didn't take to heart. Now it's accummulated and 'thrown' to me all at once. Great. I've got no idea which to handle now first. Everything is coming in all directions. The more I sit and give some thought to them, the more I'm confused. Is this the stage in life where you are 'finding youself'? Like what the elders say?

Gosh. It's already 5 in the morning and my nails are getting shorter by the minute.

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The Pirates of Loo Moot

That's the theme of our group trip this year. Which was exactly 2 weeks ago. At the Swiss Garden Damai Laut Resort, Lumut. I've finally compiled all relevant pictures taken. Just for the record.

What was supposingly to be a relaxing vacation turned out to be a real exhausting one.I mean, this was suppose to be the time for us to take a break from work and just ease ourselves. But the organisers had to come up with some team building activities throughout the whole journey. We had to act as pirates, run up and down the streets to solve clues and look for the designated 'treasures'. We were all worn out and panting by the time we reached the resort on the first day there. Plans to sleep in the bus were ruined too as there were more games to play. Like Soduku. Hah.

Basically, we were playing all throughout the trip. Yea. That would be me and my gang. My colleagues turned friends. I guess you would know who are they by now. If you go through the album, you'll see the same faces. Haha. We went for island hopping. Banana boat riding. Burger boat riding. Canoe ing. Snorkeliing. Boozing. Pillow talking. Beach walking. 'Chor dai dee' ing. Bed breaking. And tonnes of crapping. As usual la.

And then there were more team building activities by the organisers. It was like team building all the way without much free and easy time for ourselves. This time we were made to run round the resort to the tennis court to fix some puzzle. Then head to the beach to play around with sea water. All in all, this whole trip was like running here and there in the hot sun. It's more tiring than work man!

Anyway,it was definitely a trip to remember. There were more heart to heart talks this round. So, the bond with my fellow gang members have definitely tightened. Sad to say that I still didn't get my chance to watch the sunrise and to stroll the beach at night. What a waste. Still, I didn't regret that I went for it. Lolz.

Another year has gone by. I have 2 group trips up my sleeves now. So much has changed since then.

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Dumb & dumberer

Dumb. Fool. Naive. Stupid. Dolt. What ever you wish to call it. It doesn't matter. It portrays the same meaning anyway. That would be me when I woke up 2 hours earlier.

Often people would comment on how lucky I am to have a large group of friends. Close friends that you'll feel comfortable doing all kinds of silly silly stuffs together. Hanging on the cell for 4 hours straight. Staying up all through the night. Going for trips in the wee hours of the morning. Draging you home after a night of clubbing. Yea. When the moment comes, I do actually feel lucky. It's a comfort to know that I could always fall back on some one when ever I needed to.

But there is a downside to it. When you know people for far too long, when you get more than close to them, when everything you do would be a norm, you'll start to build certain expectations.Which is actually a real dumb thing to do.You'll expect them to call. You'll expect them to count you in on outings. You'll expect them to update you on the on-goings in their life. When they don't, you'll start to wonder if you are part of the group.

Why do you miss them so much when they don't? Why do you want to hang out with them when they don't? Why do you leave some weekends for them when they don't even know? Why do you call them when they think that you are bothering them? Why do you still treat them just as nice when they treat you like crap? Why do you still act as if nothing has happened when you know for sure that you've been taken advantaged of? Why do you still want to believe them when you know words are going to be taken back after some time? Why do you live up to your promises when theirs are so rightfully broken? How can you still afford to smile when you desperately want to hug someone and let you heart out?

Yea. Me. Dumb. As always. Tolerating and giving in. Never making a stand. Not up to me to make any stands anyway. Give others pleasure. Giving me pain. Nah. Didn't blame anyone. Doesn't give me a right to. I was mad. I was disappointed. But it was all in me. Friends are friends. They will only be friends. Can't expect too much. Never expect too much.

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A nite of Dome...

Saturday night. Bored. Shouldn't be at home. Hehe. So I grabbed Mich and got her out. Went down to BB. Saje to enjoy the people and the lights. Decided on Dome and there were we. Fooled with the camera and came up with the following. Nah. No extreme shots. Too many guys around. Need to jaga image abit la. Haha! People were already looking anyway. Since we memang pun didn't take much photos together, I shall make it up with this. Girl, your artistic skills suck man. It's a waste for having to end the night real early. You la. Mafan betul.

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A stupid mistake

Not exactly a mistake actually. The title should read, "A stupid reckoning". Yea. As with my previous entry, I was taken too into my pride. Well, today, for once I thought, maybe I should let go a little and do some things that my heart tells me to.

And I went for it. With a little expectation, I was in high hopes. When it materialised, I was sort of glad. I was skipping with joy while trying to maintain my cool at the same time. To not to look too eager. But the truth is I enjoyed it.

But soon later, it all came crashing down. Dumb. I gave myself a false impression. I gave others a false impression. A whole lot of people. Great. What the hell was I thinking back then? And what in the world had I said?? Or rather, what in the world had I NOT said?? I feel like slapping myself hard in the face. I don't think I would like to face those people again. I'm going to crawl into some hole and stay there for the next few days. It's a good thing that I'm going for a break till next week. Ahh...save me a whole lot of explanations. And some whole lot of stares.

Crap. How la am I going to resolve this now?

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Pride?

Is that what is in me now? Pride? That something that's holding me back all this while?

There are some things that I would so like to do. There are some people that I would so like to see. There are some people that I would so like to call. There are some people that I would so like to disturb. To hang out. To have fun. To be in the company. But, pride. This whole big pride thing forcing me to think twice. Forcing me to hold back my words. Forcing me to hold back my actions. The more I think, the more I hesitate, the more I'm letting everything slip away, the more I'm going to kick myself.

I lay in bed every night thinking about the things that I didn't do. Thinking about the things I did. Thinking if I had done wrong. Would I be regretting something later on? Why in the world did I let pride get to me? Why did I shut everything out because of something foolish? I want myself back. I want my life back. I don't want to go through all these. And yet, I was the one that planted them there.

Karen, over lunch last Friday, you've made a point. And you sort of saw through me. It got me thinking for quite a while. I always say that long standing friends definitely know me more than I do. I usually unable to see myself very clearly. But you are going to leave again. I'm going to miss you.

People, please la don't come and go so often. Please don't turn up in my life suddenly and then say you need to leave for the better when I already could'nt let go of the reins. You got me embracing the joy of uniting and then you leave me in vain for watching you all leave. It's rather too much at times, you know?

I quote a friend from last night, "Find yourself when you are young. Do not be afraid to do what ever it is that you wish now as you will not have the chance to do them when age catches up. So go for it." Yea, I am in the midst of finding. Still searching. Courage is what all it takes.

I shall not want to 'see' what the next week holds for me. The more I anticipate, the more I'm going to fall. I shall just let everything be as it is.

(If you are lost with this entry, just be la. Don't spend too much time understanding what has been written....)

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I quote...

Jay kor,
I don't know where did you get this line from, but it happens to fit so well with my current situation :

"Do not let someone become a priority in your life, when you are just an option in theirs"

Yea. I know I'm just an option. One out of the many. One out of the million choices. I just don't get it why do I have to be so dumb to take it so hard on some people. To hope so much. To expect so much. Only to leave myself in misery. Now I have to get over it.

Some people can be real distracting.

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Heart or mind?

Not being myself lately. Caught in between alot of thoughts again. My heart pointed to one direction. My mind led me to another way. And my actions went back and forth till I reached a path which I regretted on taking. Great. As I sat thinking today, I wondered what have I done in the past week or so. A mess. I made a mess of myself. And I gave some people a false impression of me. Now I'm going to be misunderstood. What the hell was I doing back then?

My heart tells me that I really wanted to do a certain something. That I really wanted to say certain things. That I really wanted to go to a certain place. That I really wanted to be in the company of certain people. And each time, something will be holding me back. Something that I couldn't resist. Making me losing out on alot of things. On a lot of opportunities.

I laid hopes on somethings that I shouldn't have. I put expectations on things that I shouldn't have. I kick myself now to even think about it back then. I should have left things as it is. To the way they were. To be as it is. When some people do things out of the norm, do you take it? Or do you ignore it? When things suddenly take a 360 degrees turn, how do you handle it? Well, I didn't take it as good as I thought I would.

Do you call it depressed? Or the better word of 'soul searching'? I'm not sure where my heart and my mind would like to take me at the moment. I'm sort of, you know....lost? Can't the two of you act together and spare me from being torn apart? I've been calling people very often lately. You know who you are. Nothing much actually. Just needed to hear from someone. To clear the clouds around me. To bring me back to the real world sometimes. That's what friends are for right? For me to kacau....hahaha...

You know what. There's this scene in Fantastic 4. It made me wonder. How far would I go to give myself to someone? To help. To protect. To sacrifice. I'm no superhero. But how far would I go to be there for someone? How far would I go...

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Of friendship and love

If you were given a choice between friendship and relationship, which would you choose? The person that you like deeply is your friend. Another friend of yours is going after the person that you like. The person that you like, likes neither of you but another one of your friend. And in the mean time, another friend tries to get your attention. What would you do? Would you be willing to sacrifice your friends for a particular someone? Or would you be willing to let go the person that you have feelings for just so that you get to keep you friends at heart? Tough choice. Either way you are bound to be hurt. People are bound to be hurt. And things will never be the same again. Never.

It just comes on naturally. Human nature. Everyone needs someone. Some companion. Somebody to talk to. Somebody to do some things together. And when you get too close with people, and I mean REAL close, funny things happen. When you work with them for too long. When you hang out with them too often. When you talk to them all the time. When you see them every other day. For breakfast, lunch, tea, dinner and even supper. When everything you do went from being just mere acquiantance to friend to companion to a stage beyond that and you'd feel lost and uncomfortable without what you usually do with them. If you handled it well, it won't be a disaster. But if you don't, the 'ship' cracks and in time, it'll sink. No matter which ship you're on. The question is, how rationale can you be? What justifies 'the best solution to it all'? There is no 'best solution'. One party gain. The other loses. There won't be any win-win situation here.

Some thinks that friendship over rides love. If a friend is going after the person that you like and the person that you like likes another one of your friend, things get rough and no one is retreating, fine, you back out. To save the situation from being more complicated. To save a 'war'. A cold one. But is it worth it sometimes? To let go what you want for the benefit of others? Will people thank you for your 'generosity'? You might save a cold war. You might get to keep your friends. The clique will be as it is. People will act and assume that everything is all right and things go back to the way they were. But you won't be. You have to live with the pain and the regret of losing that one person that clicks with you so well that you know you may never find another like them. And no one knows what you're going through. Even if they knew, there's nothing much they can do to ease your sufferings.

Some go for love. Nothing else is more important. Love over rides friendship. As long as you are with the one you love, every other thing is irrelevant and invisible. Even friends that you've known all your life. To get that certain someone, you are willing to break the long standing bond with friends that you've built for so many years. And you expect your friends to forgive you for being selfish later on. You ignore chats. You ignore calls. You no longer turn up on outings. You lie to people who care so much about you. You're even not your own self any more. It's like your whole world only revolves around that someone. You are so blinded by love that you fail to see every other thing around you. People will have to put up with all the pain that you've caused. And did you at least feel a little guilty? Did you miss your friends after months or maybe years of disappearing? Did it ever cross your mind that friends do want to keep you around still? And that no one actually wants to lose you? No, you didn't.

I wouldn't know which to choose too if I was in the same situation. At least some people had the courage to make a decision. Or forced to. For the better of themselves. For the better of others. There doesn't seem to be a solution where you can have both. It doesn't work that way. It's always either one. Once you've gotten yourself into it, there's no turning back. Don't be so naive to think that life will return to the way it was any more. Things will definitely change. People change. Change for the better or for worse...I guess that's up to you to decide.

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"My" little forest

Know the little forest in front of my place? The one that's been there for the past 20 years? The one with trees and shrubs and small creatures? Yea.

The little forest will no longer be there anymore. Thanks to modernization and urban development. The local city council has plans to build some kind of a park there. You know, taman kanak-kanak of some sort. Great. Now instead of waking up to chirping birds and beautiful trees, I'm going to hear screaming kids and nagging parents.

The shrubs have all been cleared out. The trees are going next. No idea how many of them will be cut down. They have, after all, been standing there for so many years. I am going to miss the greeneries, the refreshing morning breezes, the canaries and the magpies, the squirrels, the monkeys, the flowers, the shelter from the heat of the sun...EVERYTHING!

They better build a nice park there. To compensate for certain losses. Hahaha. And wouldn't a fountain look good in the middle of it? Or maybe a small garden of roses by the side? Maybe they should keep some of the trees. It would be a good place for a picnic. Lolz. Me and my imagination.

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The Pain of One Season

(Got this of friendster's bulletin. Something to share. Something to ponder....)

There was a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons to learn not to judge things too quickly. So he sent them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look at a pear tree that was a great distance away.

The first son went in the winter, the second in the spring, the third in summer, and the youngest son in the fall. When they had all gone and come back, he called them together to describe what they had seen.The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent, and twisted. The second son said no, it was covered with green buds and full of promise. The third son disagreed; he said it was laden with blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever seen.The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and fulfillment.

The man then explained to his sons that they were all right, because they had each seen but only one season in the tree's life. He told them that you cannot judge a tree, or a person, by only one season, and that the essence of who they are and the pleasure, joy, and love that come from that life can only be measured at the end, when all the seasons are up. If you give up when it's winter, you will miss the promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer, fulfillment of your fall.

Moral:
Don't let the pain of one season destroy the joy of all the rest. Don't judge life by one difficult season. Persevere through the difficult patches and better times are sure to come some time or later.

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Sleepless night

Did something not done before. Staying up ALL night. From dusk till dawn.

Went for dinner. Went for a drink after that. As usual, the decision of the drink came after numerous suggestions... to Genting, to CC, to Redbox, to Galaxy, to mamak, to the Curve etc etc. By the time the conclusion was reached, it was not that early anymore. The later into the night, the better. We went for it.

Was suppose to go home after the drink. Since it was late, planned to stay over at a pal's place, instead of driving home in the wee hours of the morning. But, pal and I didn't head back to her home either. Just didn't feel like doing so. Pal was crazy enough to be wacky with me. It was my idea actually. Yea. Me. We ended up at this 24 hours McD. It was already 1 something.

So there we were. Hanging around McD. Chatting. Laughing. And observing. Plenty of people there. Party people. Students. WWF people. Kids. What's with urban youngsters these days? Lolz. Off and on, she asked if we should go home. I said 'no'. Naughty me. I just didn't want to lie in bed and stare at the walls. Not that night.

The hands of time ticked rather quickly. Soon enough, we saw the sky outside brightened. Oopsy. A glanced at the watch-almost 7 am. And beginning to feel hungry. We've been there the whole night. Or should I say, the whole morning? Morning air is definitely refreshing. Hah. Me again. I dragged her along for breakfast. I wanted 'dim sum'. And we had it. Boy, it was good.

Once was enough. I drove back with my eyes half closed after that. My bed seemed like heaven. I crashed immediately after shower. Only to be awaken by a call a few minutes later, asking me out again. Great. But I went along. Yea.

I liked it. To do something crazy once in a while. To do something you never thought of doing before. Gor for it. Although this was not something really very crazy. Hah.


"Most people only meant half of what they say. It is best to disregard their talk and judge only by their actions." - J Jay

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