Me, changing...

I would like to say that I'm very much close-knitted to my friends. I sort of need them to be around to get things going. To get my life going, to be exact. I need to talk to them everyday. I need to hear from them everyday. Just a simple "Hey, just buzzing in to kacau.." will do. If possible, I would need to see them everyday as well. But due to work commitments, once a week is enough. Well, that's pretty much what we usually do actually. We hang out every other week.

A few years back, I would anticipate calls from them. My weekends would be sitting around and waiting for the phone to ring. And it usually does. Movies. Clubbings. Karaokes. Shoppings. Where ever. And for the few times that it didn't, I got really disappointed. I mean, "Why didn't they call?" when I clearly knew that something was planned. I got upset. I got hurt. I got slapped with reality. But I decided then to let it all go cause they are the ones whom I call friends.

Lately, it didn't really seem to matter and it didn't really seem to bother me. I no longer anticipate for calls. If it rings, it rings, If it doesn't, then it doesn't. I gave no emotion when I found out that some outing was planned without my involvement. "So you people when for a movie yesterday? Oh, okay." That's it. I didn't bother to know what movie. Or who went. Or where they watched it. I went flat and immune. Unlike previous years where I would already feel the anger creeping up on me.

These signalling they no longer bear an importance in my life? That I could go on even without them? Did I changed? I don't need them that much anymore? Did I find something else to replace them? It couldn't be. I still call. I still care. I still wanted to hang out. It's just different now. I gradually don't seem to care. I'm all like "what ever lah..." when it comes to them.

Man, this is so not good. I'm confused. What is happening to me?

{ Continue Reading... }

A little blabber...

It's been a tiring week. I was working late everyday. I know mine was considered nothing compared to those who'd been staying late for the past few months. But I kan princess? It's good enough already that I worked all the way till 12. The only thing that kept me going was my kaki-es around to keep the night alive and crappy.

"Hey, lunch together?" A message I got at 10 in the morning. "Eh, jom makan malam." Another message came at 4.30pm. And then there was the fun of bombarding ourselves with emails every other minute. Or the chills and jokes we made at each other during office hours. Now where in the world can you find this kind of job? Hah.

But out of no where, I was feeling rather down. Not about work. Not about family. Not about friends. Guess it's just me la. As usual. Mood swings. That's why you see me here at this hour, after a long day at work. I probably should be in bed, but I just need to get this thing out.

I know exactly where my problem lies. I know exactly what is it that would lift my spirits. It's just not up to me to decide if I could get it. Not my say. Not my call. I tried to use friends to compensate. But it's just different. They could never give me what I wanted. And they wouldn't stay for long. I do feel sorry for myself at times. I wonder if others feel the same as well.

Why is it so hard to get someone to listen to what I need to let out? I was always the one listening. When will people ever going to listen to me? Don't la see me as a being so tough. The tougher I look, the more vulnerable I actually am. I am, after all, still a girl.

My vision is getting blurry. Time to crash.

{ Continue Reading... }

Genting trip

I've had numerous, countless trips up to Genting. And yet I agreed to head up another time. With my fellow colleagues. No regrets. It was a short and enjoyable one. Good to release some stress and to take our minds off work. Many agreed that it was worth it. We should do this more often. Bukit Tinggi anyone?

I would say we kinda did quite a lot in one day. As usual, we took heaps of pictures. Not to mention we won with just ONE "showhand". Thank you Uncle Lim! Even though it was not much, but at least we got our dinner covered. The situation in the casino was just as tensed and crap as it is. Then we wasted some time in the arcade. Messing around. With all our professional attitude while working, this was how kiddy we can be.

I really did had fun.

{ Continue Reading... }

The ugly side of people

In fact, they were never pretty. Oh, I'm sorry. WE were never pretty.

We are all hypocrites. You. Me. And everyone else. Don't you dare say that you are not one. Liars. Self centered. Two-faced. To strangers. To acquaintances. To friends. And even to families. "But, I have my reasons". Yea. You sure damn know what the hell your reasons are. What do I think? I think your reasons are not valid reasons enough if your actions hurt the people that you know. Extend that to the people that you do not know.

Where did all the honesty go? Where did all the sincereties went? I can forgive and forget if some moron down the road take me for a fool. I can well tolerate with that, cause, what the hell do I care about some dumbass whom I may never want to see again. What I can't bring myself to forgive are those "close" enough who treats me like crap. I mean, what the hell did I ever do to you to deserve something like this? Hidden agendas. Intentional tricks. Spare tyre.

I have all along treated people from the heart. Do you think my concerns and sincereties were all fake? If you wanna doubt that, then fine. I would be wasting my time trying to convince you so. But this has not happened once. Leaving me wondering if I really could trust anyone out there? Anyone at all? Just when I let my guard down, I was attacked. Nice.

All right then. I know what is there to do now. I shall play along. I shall continue being blur and dumb as always. I finally know what do people "look" like now. You wanna do it this way? I'll let you have it your way. If you treat me well, I can treat you much better. If you treat me like crap, don't blame me for being the devil. My philosophy.

If you want to take my sincereties for granted, then so be it. At least, I don't lie to those I deemed dear.

{ Continue Reading... }

Silence

I am left in a bewildered state at times. People are so hard to "catch". I can never know what is going through their minds. No matter how long I've known them. No matter how hard I tried to decipher. Well, as they say, and without a single doubt, humans are indeed complicated creatures.

I obviously knew something was wrong. That something was bothering. I asked to see if there's anything that I can do to help. I was returned with silence. All right, maybe you didn't want to talk about it the first time. I allowed a certain period of time to past before trying again. Yet, I was pushed aside. Was I being nosy? Even if I can't help out, I would always be there to hear you out. I tried another time. Again, you said nothing was wrong. That everything was fine. Okay. I take your word for it. Maybe I was being nosy. If being concerned about a friend is considered as nosy, then I apologise for being at fault.

I'm not mad. I'm disappointed that I was no longer trusted. And I have not a single clue as to the reason for it. Was it something I did? Something which I might not know of?

Nevertheless, nosy no more. My doors would always be open if you still wanted to talk. Any time is definitely fine with me. As always, I would always be there for anybody. You know of that. Otherwise, I guess I won't be meddling with your issues. I'm not at liberty to do so too anyway. Why bother to do certain things when it is not being appreciated?

{ Continue Reading... }

All smiles...

As I browse the pages of Friendster and Facebook, looking through the updates and current pictures of my mates, I can't help feeling glad and proud of what they've been through. Life had treated them well. They some how or rather found happiness throughout the years. In each of their own way.

They've seen the world. They found love. They made it big in their careers. They experienced the ups and downs of life. They achieved their dreams. They made their mark in the world. I am just proud of them. Proud of who they are. Proud that I got to know people like them. Glad that we had once crossed each other's paths.

*Smiles*

Now what did I ever achieved?

{ Continue Reading... }

Flushing my BM away

"In what circumstances does this situation occur?" Translate that to BM please.

I was with this Malay client of mine. I was asking him something on some routine procedure that I couldn't quite understand. That was what crossed my mind half way through the conversation. It came out to be, "Erm...Dalam apa situasi....I mean...Macam mana ini boleh berlaku?" The fella gave me pause and a weird look. Okay. Salah bahasa. Salah tanya. Wrong soalan. I tried again, "Maksud saya, dalam apa kejadian, benda ini akan berlaku?" I can feel that it's lousy still. But he got what I meant.

I just lost it. My head just can't seem to find the right words at that moment in time. So I just blurted out what ever seems appropriate. Yea. I know I'm a Malaysian. Being unable to converse in the national language would be a total embarrassment. But I've not used BM since like...since I left high school! It was English and Chinese all the way then.

Coming to think about it, I did get a distinction on my BM paper. Hey, I excelled in this subject alright? Guess it's time to throw my SPM cert into the bin. Gosh, where am I going to put my face in front of that fella again? Mannn...

{ Continue Reading... }

Silly thoughts

Ridiculous imaginations are attacking me once more. I was constantly drifted away during the day. On the road. And much more at night. I was making up little stories in my head. Putting through all the "What ifs?" On everything I see. On everything I hear. Usually it's about friends. Sometimes about the future. Sometimes about the past. Silly things. But I get satisfied with them.

It's kind of fun to live in a dream world. One where you get to write the script, direct and act up your own. Life is like a stage. You are the actor. You play yourself. And allow the rest to blend in. I had thought of putting them down in words. But it involves too many people. And since this page is getting a wider audience, not good la. Embarassing.

I shall just keep all the stupid, ridiculous stuffs to myself. But, if you know me well enough, you'd know I can't keep my hands off the keyboard.

"My memories flashes back to the days when he was near......
On how I waited...
And he gave up...."

{ Continue Reading... }

Realising dreams

I was watching this series on tv. A typical teen flick. Pretty boys. Cute girls. I love you. You love him. He loves someone else. The mushy mushy kind. You get the picture. Why was I watching it? Obviously for the pretty boys... ;)

But, beneath all the fantasies and never-would-happen-in-real-life-scenarios, there was actually a lesson to be learnt from it. Dare to dream and never give up. Sounds tough and impossible. Have a little faith and a little persistence, it will come true.

Surely everyone has some dream. A certain ambition. A certain desire. But does everyone making it happen? Does everyone has the courage to go for it? "If I have the money, then it'll surely happen." Dreams are only for the rich. No money, no talk. True to a certain extent. That's where the "never give up" part comes in. Believe in yourself. Believe in what you are doing. Hold on to it. The ending could be fruitful and sweet.

A few I know do have realistic dreams. I am happy and proud of those that do make them happen. It's the best thing that could ever happen to a friend to see the joys and smiles when they break the good news to you. I jump with joy along with them. Nothing beats the satisfaction that spreads across their faces.

People are doing what they believe in. What about you? Don't just sit there and stare at the wall. If you have a dream, do something about it. Make it come true.

{ Continue Reading... }

A step up...

I was promoted last month. Expected. Anticipated. Had it celebrated. You can officially call me "senior" now.

A good thing to hear. Meaning you'd get the respect that comes with it. Juniors look up to you. You get to make them do things without any proper reason. Mangers put their trusts in you. You get to make decisions. You get to boast the rank that comes with your name. You no longer have to listen to what others have to tell you. YOU tell others what to do. Some how, you get to walk with pride - knowing that you are someone of a certain importance. "That's the senior in charge of that high profiled job." Sounds canggih.

But beneath it all, I was having a little cold feet. It came too soon. I'm not up to it yet. I mean, which part of me looks like a senior anyway. Not quite adjusted to the new responsibilities that are heading my way. Boss said, "You are in charge of this job. Everything's your call." I was like, " Call what? What is there to be called?" When you are entrusted into a position unprepared, you tend to fumble and fall. You don't know where to start with. What comes after that? And how to end it? You have this mind set of getting everything right the first time. To be able to prove that you are able to handle it perfectly. That you can do better than the last person who did it. It is an unseen pressure that you have to bear.

Yes. Pressure. Pressure. Pressure. Pressure of more responsibilities. Pressure for not completing your job on time. Pressure of making the wrong decisions. Pressure of offending the client. Pressure of not managing your staffs well. Pressure of making mistakes and getting screwed later on. Pressure of presenting at a major meeting. Man, what have I gotten myself into?

There goes my weekends or any other personal time that I planned for myself. You'll see me hogging more onto my laptop with some complicated issues to be solved. "Why the worry? Your boss will cover you up." Yea. Me baby. Always running to mummy for help. Only that baby need to grow up some day. Mummy can't be there all the time.

{ Continue Reading... }

Jam woes

I never really did understood why is there a need to have traffic jams. And "they" know no timings. In the mornings. In the afternoons. In the evenings. And even late at nights. What the hell is it for? I don't know. There were no downpours. There were no accidents. There were no stalled vehicles. The were no road closures. There were no road constructions. There were no royalties making through. There were no faulty traffic lights. Then for what?

It gets very frustrating. Your journey takes an hour without the jam. So, plus the jam? It takes 2 hours. Imagine what you could have done in 2 hours. Instead, you sit there wishing a giant broom would sweep the lane clear in front of you. Or maybe you'd wish your car could fly. Or maybe you'd wish you could teleport. But I think reality wise, you'd wish that you'd taken the other alternative route instead. But too bad. You're still stuck there. And the jam goes on as far as your eyes takes you.

What other ways are there for you to entertain yourself? You've finished the novel that you brought along. Those mags have been flipped for over the 100th time. You've chatted with who ever that you can think of calling. You've tuned into all the radio stations that interests you. You've replayed that CD over and over again. You've munched up all the tit-bits. You've snapped all kinds of silly pictures of yourself. You've observed all kinds of wierd antics in your "neighbouring" vehicles. And you still have another hour more to kill. So how? Sleep? Or maybe you can start honking? Should spice up the situation a little.

By the time you reach your destination, you'd be so damn exhausted. All energies used up fighting something you can never win. The city sure is interesting. Has anyone tried to get stuck in a jam on purpose? Which idiot would do that right? A true test of patience. What can you do? Just follow lor. And use it as an excuse for being late. Which most people don't seem to accept any longer. *shrugs*

{ Continue Reading... }

Whenever I call...

I have a knack for ringing my friends past mid night. It's a habit. It's a pleasure. I'm just that naughty. Sometimes they picked up half asleep. Scolded me like hell. And then asked, "What's up?". "Nothing la. Just for fun." Hah. Or sometimes they just ignored me. Of which I would keep on buzzing. I need my bed time stories la.

And their usual habit? Waking me up early in the morning. Weekend mornings! Cause they know I would most likely be sleeping till noon. Why la you people have to be up so early? "Hey, wake up! I'm bored. Lets go out." You know who you are right? For that I would lazily answer, "Yea. Few more minutes." Which ended up an hour later. So next time, pandai-pandai la. All outings to be held after lunch please. =p

Cell phones are a very useful invention. I just love my phone!
You better pick up whenever I do call...

{ Continue Reading... }

There, they go again...

My close acquaintances are leaving. A few of them. They came. They made me clinged to them. Then they break the news that they are heading off.

I did well with one departure. Another came and it was done with a heavy heart. Then another, I was having a hard time letting go. And another now? I'm not too sure how many more can I bear. Know why I don't get too close with people too soon? Cause I won't let go once I gave my all.

I can't get inside your minds. I don't know what is it that you all are thinking. I have no idea as to what is it that you all are feeling either. All I know is that I don't want you all to leave. I don't want to change the current situation which I'm so comfortable with. But I guess I'm not a valid enough reason to make you all stay. I mean, who am I anyway? What am I to you?

People go and don't "come" back. They'd go on with their lives and forget all about you. Not even memories to be remembered. All you can do is to look back and be glad that we had once gone through so much together. No wonder they say people are hard to keep. They go to where ever their hearts' desire. There's nothing much you can do to keep them. If they no longer belong to you, then they do not belong. Fate can be a tough game.

I am afraid of the future. Of the unpredictability that lies ahead. I can't forsee what will happen. I go on everyday knowing that people will leave. Only the stubborness in me chose not to "see" it. I never really want to accept the fact. Until it was really thrown in front of me. Still, I will not pick it up.

I don't feel good. I just don't want you all to leave. Can I be selfish this one time?

{ Continue Reading... }

Princess-sy me

I am one big spoilt brat!

Waited on from head to toe. Shielded from the rain and sun. Protected from any possible harm. Attended to every need. Given the best of everything. All desires fulfilled. Well taken cared of. Pampered. Doted on.

Okay, maybe not really like a princess. But more or less like that.

I want something. I'll get it. Something not to my liking, I throw tantrums, someone will give in. I messed up. Someone will be there to solve it. I need help. Someone is around to lend a hand. My folks are always in the opinion that I'm not capable of handling things, so they end up handling everything for me. Or they get worried that I might hurt myself while doing something, so they tend to take all matters in their hands.

I'm not too sure if that's a good thing or not. Most of my peers would think so. Yes. I do have folks who watches over me. They are like my super heroes who come to my rescue when ever I needed them. I told mummy I'm going to take the public bus home after some activities from school. Mummy said, "No. Daddy will come pick you up." I told mummy I can't finish my artwork from school. Mummy completed it for me. I asked daddy for a cellphone. He got me one of the latest models. I was required to participate in long jump for sports day. Daddy wrote in a letter to the school authorities to have me excused from it. College was too far away and I was having tranportation problems. Mummy got me a car. I got into an accident. Daddy told me not to be afraid and have everything taken cared of. I fell ill. Mummy checked on me every hour. I stayed out late. Mummy stayed up waiting. I asked daddy for street directions. Daddy offered to take me there instead. I got a little cut on my finger. Mummy got all worried and immediately got it bandaged. I have some bills to pay. Daddy had it done. I wanted to sign up for a course. Mummy took cared of it.

So, as you can see, I've not really done much. I don't really know much. I walked through life carelessly as I know my folks are always around to mend things. I was brought up this way. No, you can't do this. No, you can't do that. No, we'll have it settled. You don't touch that, let the kakak do it. When you get rejected too often, when you get stopped all the time, you tend to loose interest in things. You just let things be as it is.

And I grew up becoming a princess. A big fat lazy one. I continued throwing tantrums when I don't like something. People have to put up with me. I will get that thing that I wanted, no matter what the cost. I expect others to do as I will. I go where ever I wanted to go. I couldn't take being physically and emotionally hurt. I don't feel good if I don't have everything my way.

I will continue being a princess. Until someone or something have me changed.

{ Continue Reading... }

The trend of quitting

It's the "in" thing lately. In the industry I'm working in. Or maybe just in the firm I'm working in.

Unhappy with boss. Tender. Can't take the work pressures. Tender. Can't stand the long working hours. Tender. Unable to meet that stupid deadline. Tender. Can't meet the client's demands. Tender. Increment not satisfying. Tender. Hard to put up with work colleagues. Tender. The job doesn't meet your career prospects. Tender. Getting bored with the routine. Tender. Lost interest and motivation. Tender. Work load too heavy to shoulder. Tender.

The number of resignees surpasses the number of new hires in a particular month. I would say, every month for that matter. I kid you not. You ought to receive some farewell note from whoever every other day. There goes another person. People IN the firm are dying to get out. People from OUTSIDE of the firm are dying to get in. How ironic.

I can understand if someone leaves for the sake of better staff benefits. Higher salaries. Or maybe to get their lives back. You know how this industry could be like. Or maybe they leave to try something new. But the funny thing is, people leave to another firm WITHIN the same industry. Doing the exact same thing! The same work pressures. The same workloads. The same deadlines. The same cultures. The same demands. Then leave for what ya? Doesn't really solve the miseries.

I was a "going concern" issue. Still am. Partly because of all those reasons mentioned above. But mostly due to the fact that I have no passion in this job that I'm in. Not my "thing" la I would say. I did it....well, just for the sake of doing it.

Coming to think about it, the firm is not really THAT bad after all. I mean, it's still a reputable firm. One that alot of people recognises. It gives pride when I hand out my name card, people go "Oh! You are from XXX. Big company. Good prospects." I smiled. Feels good that people acknowledges. I know. I know. Outsiders won't know what is really going on inside. All they see is the surface. But which company doesn't have its flaws? Every where you go, it would be the same. Can you guarantee that the new company your are heading to is perfect from head to toe? Don't you think you'd be disatisfied with something some day? Then what? You run again? Then you'll forever be running.

Ya. I know. Alot of people would argue on that. You won't improve if you don't have demands. You won't improve if you don't compare. Youngsters right? When did you ever hear youngsters stay long in one company? "Running" is what we always do. And it is the young mind that creates the adventurous spirit.

No offense to anyone here. Not trying to target specific people. Just letting out what I think. Cause people tend to take resignations so lightly these days, everytime they talk, it's "Resign!" "Resign!" "Resign!", when some friends I know are having such a hard time securing a good job. Some other friends complained about the worst of their companies. On how they've been marginalised. On all the worries they had. I can be considered lucky from where I stand. And maybe you are too. Sometimes, certain disatisfactions ought to be liberated. Give and take. It's not an easy world out there.

So, before you hand in the letter, think twice. Is this what you REALLY want? Or are you doing it just because everyone else is doing so?

{ Continue Reading... }