Merdeka Eve

this is gonna be harsh...and i guess it'll hurt...

got a call to celebrate our independence day...after taking in all the neccesary concerns, i decided to turn up... i was trying to give it another shot...to see if things will turn better...

i headed out to pyramid after work only to get stuck in an hr of jam...all along the way, i kept thinking that it will be worthy to get in touch with them...but in that hr of jam on my way home juz now, i felt like crying and i felt like dying...nothing has changed...

u kept saying u missed me, u kept saying u wanted to see me, u kept saying u'll alwiz be there for me, u kept saying u didnt wanna see me unhappy, u kept saying u really meant all that u had said....but y did u still have to hurt me the way u did? outings were made without me. as usual. conversations were all about stuffs revolving u ppl...places u all went, things u all did, jokes u all said, wateva...nothing involved me as i was not a part of them...i felt like a total idiot and a total outcast sitting there...was really wondering what the heck was i there for...when i had wasted my fuel, my time and my energy juz to be there...one question, am i really considered a friend? am i really part of the gang? am i really a burden becoz i happen to live real far?

was i genuinely happy or was i juz faking it when i laughed? im not so sure...and then someone asked "will it be dangerous for u to drive back home alone later?" i appreciate the concern but wat's the point of juz asking? dota will alwiz be more important.....coming to think of it, when did anyone offered to escort me home after midnite yah? i dun think it ever crossed their minds...and i suppose tonite's the only nite where someone did called to see if i had reached home safely...i had lost count of the number of times i spent hanging out with them till late at nite...and each time it was miles and miles away from home...

i avoided calls and messages from u ppl the last few days...was being childish, i noe...but wat the heck...i was really hurt and upset...had missed u all damn bad and for all i noe later, u guys when out without me...and this was not the first time...wat am i to u all yah? a spare tyre? suka then call, tak suka then no need to call? i din noe i was this worthless........

i made a mistake in decision tonite....i shud have diverted my time to my other mates when they called....at least i can enjoy myself at the pool table..and to feel alot more 'safer' among them...instead of being all 'torn' and 'tatterred' before bed now...

and yah, Happy Merdeka! lack the spirit...lack the mood...merdeka was not the same as it used to be...