Stressed, depressed

These few weeks have been tough. Right after the new year, on the first day of work, till today. I have so much to do, so much on my mind, yet so little time. Priority no longer works cause everything is of upmost important. I don't even know what to start with. I am so screwed.

Of work, I have this deadline to meet. I am trying hard. But it just don't seem to work out. I have too many things to settle before we give the clearance. And yet I am doing it all alone. And I don't know everything. It's frustrating as the date gets nearer and your "to do list" still remained that long. I'm stuck with no help and boss keeps asking, "So how? Have you solved it? Can we give clearance then?" Man! Gimme a break!

Deja vu. The year starts and I've got news that a few more people are leaving the firm. All close acquiantances. Again. Just like last year. I've lost all mood for work. My pillars of strengths are almost all gone now. I need my people. Just how can I go on without them?

Guilt sets in. I was so occupied with work that I neglected both family and friends. My friend called and said she needed someone to talk to. I would have been there for her right away had it not been for that damn deadline that I was rushing to meet. I knew how much I had let her down. But I just couldn't help it. I am so sorry girl.

Chinese New Year is next week. I should be helping out in preparations. As with the previous years. For the deadline again, I have not done a single thing in helping out this year. Mum went cookie shopping alone. I didn't get myself involved in choosing decos. I've missed out on spring cleaning. I haven't even get myself new clothes yet. New year this year doesn't seem like new year at all. Sigh! What has work done to me?

And then I was caught in my own thoughts if this is really what I want in life. Do I continue what I'm doing now or do I take another direction and do some other things? But what? It's been playing on and on. No answer has been found. Cause I've not been thinking hard enough. How do you suppose I do that when I have like a million things on mind? My mind has been switching to and fro from finishing my job, to explaining to boss, to making up for my friend, to spending more time with family to what I want in life...argh!!!

This has come at an inappropriate time. It's the least that I would want to think about now. But as you know life, things just happen. I am in doubt. I doubt the doubt. Yea. Events of that night flashes back all the time. It goes spinning spinning in my head. Until a certain point, I give up thinking about it. But it comes back not too long later. And I start doubting again. My heart beats fast. This is just so 'fun'. So very 'fun'.....

I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs. I feel like hitting out at someone. I feel like gulping down big big scoops of ice-creams. I feel like sipping on all the Starbucks that I can get. I feel like squezzing some one tight. I feel like getting myself drunk. Lucky I don't feel like jumping off a cliff.....yet.

Just what has got into me?
Who am I?