Nail biting (again!!!)

If you look at my nails, they are all gone again. Yea, I'm back to my nail bitting habit. I actually got out of it for quite some time now, but it came back when I have too much on my mind. Even the suggested solution of polishing them failed in its purpose to prevent me from doing so.

Work could be part of the reason. Too much responsibilities, too little time, too little knowledge, too much expectations. I don't work well under pressure. I won't be able to breathe and I can't think properly. But that's the only thing that my boss is 'bestowing' me now. I do try to meet those expectations. Didn't want to disappoint anybody. Guess I'm trying too hard that's its wearing me off.

Went to a friend's wedding this evening. A primary one that is. So, someone my age got married. Happy for her. And definitely happy to meet 'old' friends. But it was sort of wierd you know. As I looked at her on stage with her husband, I thought "Well, this is the person that I've known since I was 9 or 10 and here she is, in a wedding dress, smiling at the cameras and hanging on to her husband. Sooner or later I'll hear that she'll have kids and getting on with life. " I know I know. People grow up. They move on. I'll move on too. I just can't let go just yet. Part of me still want to go back to those days when we had so much fun together. I want to keep those days still.

Sort of just got back from clubbing also anyway. Took my maiden voyage down to Poppy. Just to let loose. But this time was no fun at all. Too many unsightly sights. Everyone was like hanging on to someone. Someone would be there for someone. I was the only odd one out. And it doesn't feel all right. What fun could you possibly have dancing and drinking alone? Speaking of which it doesn't help either. I'm still sober enough to come home and blog about the night. I was suppose to get drunk!

That's part of the reason for my uninvolvement in the Malacca trip as well. I actually do have the heart to go but I know that if I go, I'll end up feeling sorry for myself. There are too many couples around in the clique and it's sometimes hard for me to take it. This whole thing has been making me feeling unwanted and pushed away. I know at times that it was not meant to be but situations are as it is. Yea. I admit. The attentions were not on me. As they say, "I'm one person less and one person more, so what difference does it make?" Sorry for the bad mood thingy. Not bad mood actually. Just too much on my mind.

It was never my intention to be the vulnerable one. The decision came years ago when I fell and took quite some time to stand up again. This time I don't plan to fall again. I don't even know if it's for real. He 'comes' to me on and off. Maybe I was hanging out with him too often. And maybe it's just a casual fling. The only thing that I'm sure off is that I'm glad to see him around. And I'll be disappointed if I don't.

Then there are things with the family which I sort of neglect. Little things which I didn't take to heart. Now it's accummulated and 'thrown' to me all at once. Great. I've got no idea which to handle now first. Everything is coming in all directions. The more I sit and give some thought to them, the more I'm confused. Is this the stage in life where you are 'finding youself'? Like what the elders say?

Gosh. It's already 5 in the morning and my nails are getting shorter by the minute.