Clouded...

You have been wrong. The heart is not hardened. It’s always been delicate. It will always be. I am still not right. I’m sorry D, I can’t be strong. Certain things are much easier said than done. “Always think on the bright side”. “Choose to live happy” etc etc. They don’t seem to take any effects.

I am still clouded. Maybe you are fed up of this. So I suggest you stop reading further. I lay in bed each night, thinking , “Was it right to do what I did?” “Was it right to withhold something that I should do?” “Was it right to feel what I felt?” “Was it right to say the words I said?” “Was it right to not say the words that should have been said?” Guilty on all sides. Regretful of which ever action taken. The more I think, the more confused I got. The more I try to rationalize, the more mixed up I become.

I do things that I'm not too sure if it's right. Along the way, I messed up. People got hurt. People got disappointed. People changed their impressions of me. I didn't know where to say "I'm sorry". I let it be. Hoping that they would understand. Hoping that they would understand the lost soul in me. But it doesn't work that way anymore. I left wounds unattended. It usually swells. And the pain grows even more.

There are hundreds of times when I so feel like buzzing someone to spill. I needed someone to talk to. But my girl is all the way in London. The rest...would they understand? Would they get what I am going through? Would they be able tell me what to do? I wish that something would just knock me hard on the head so that I can erase all these stupid crap from me. Or knock me hard enough so that I don’t have to wake up to deal with all of them.

Do me a little favour. Look at me. Tell me what you see in return.