Please wake me up....

The past few days have been dreamlike. Clouded. Misted. Blurred. And my head, well, it was not where it was supposed to be. “Someone please ‘wake’ me up…”

Been doing a lot of starring lately. Starring at the wall. Starring at the table. Starring at the ceiling. Starring at the computer screen. Starring at the mug. Starring out of the window. Starring into space. Starring into nothing. Just starring. Not wanting to move. Not wanting to do anything. Just starring. Allowing time to flow past. Seconds after seconds. Minutes after minutes. The clock ticked. Yet, I lay ignorant.

My work lay untouched, even though I am fully aware of that deadline to be met. My room is in a mess. Not wanting to clear the stuffs lying all around. My car is like a garbage truck. Not wanting to scoop aside the files and papers laying comfortably inside. My bills were left unpaid. With the due dates visibly telling me to do so. I didn’t have the heart to do what ever. I just slumped there...starring.

What is it that got me so unfocused? What is it that got my concentration off guard? What is it that made me look like a possessed soul, trying to burn a hole into the wall with my stare? What is it that made me look like a retarded nut case placed in a pyschiatric ward? A whole lot of things actually. A whole lot of things.

My official membership certificate has reached me today. I even went for the New Members' Reception organised. As a part of me felt proud to have acheived something at this young age, a part of me was questioning, "So what?" Where do I take on from here? Do I continue? Do I quit and let go? Do I know what I truly want? Do I have the guts to follow my heart? Do I continue to carry the responsibility and lead the life set ahead? Suddenly, I saw so many doors opened in front of me. Waiting for me to step in. Only, which door knob should I turn? And that I won't back out of it later on.

My 'page' turned to my senior's wedding last weekend. How she looked so lovely in that wedding dress. The smiles. The flashes. The hugs. It was just 2 years ago that she was this young girl, having fun, hanging around, gossiping, laughing out loud, playing with me. Time just runs. Now she's all grown up, married to her long time beau, having a family of her own. Times have changed. And I sort of miss her. Miss my days of working with her.

The 'pages' flip forward to the next few weeks. Annual dinner. Christmas. Wedding dinners. Vacations. New year. Activities have all been lined up. Then comes the questions.Which dress to put on? Which accessories to match? Which shoes goes with which bags? What colour eye shadow to buy? What presents to buy? The cute teddy or that lovely key-chain? Which parties to go to first? The one with ex-school mates or the one with the colleagues? How would I look like in that particular dress? Is the white one better or the pink one? Which vacations to go to? They are like never ending. And they would only stop when the actual day arrives.

Then it's on friends. Memories of them came flooding back. Suddenly I see the past in front of me. School mates from primary. From secondary. From college. From work. Picture after picture pops up. Different groups of people. Giving me different versions of my life. How I miss the days spent with them. Which never fails to put a smile on my face. How I wish that things would just stay the same. And that we didn't have to part. I wonder all the time what will happen in the future. Will we still be in contatct? Will we remember each other? Will we leave and never come back again?

My imaginary glands were getting very active these days. I bring movies to live in my head. I am getting really lost in fantasies. Where ever I go, what ever I do, I can gaze off and make way for some ridiculous story to take its course. Little scenes played. No real purpose. It keeps playing. And playing. And playing. I enjoyed the flow. I enjoyed where it takes me. I let it go on and on....

I am so reluctant to wake up. I am so reluctant to face reality...